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How to Personalize Your Definition of Self-Care

Image of woman looking to the side.

Okay, it’s that stage of the pandemic where we’re beyond exhausted.

More than 80% of parents (1,500,) mostly Mothers (96%) who have participated in the pandemic study, report doing ‘terribly’ or ‘not as well as usual’ as caregivers to themselves.

The term self-care, coined by Audre Lorde, was meant to free us from believing the story of self-sacrifice. Yet, leaping over obstacles to make the time becomes so draining, that many of us give up.

But caring for your emotional, physical and mental health is vital. The pandemic stress will swallow all of your will and energy without it. And guess what, our families don’t thrive if we wither.

You can make space for wellbeing and joy, even now. It doesn’t have to be complicated to boost your happiness. Let self-care become your state of mind instead of something else ‘to do.’

Enjoy inspiration from extraordinary women, who have put powerful self-care definitions, habits and routines to work in their daily lives.

Personalize Your Self-Care Definition

“Self-care is taking care of my own energy level.” Dr. Leah Ruppanner, from Welcome to The Tyranny of Self-Care

“I don’t go out in large groups. I would rather sit on my daughter’s bed and watch silly videos with her. Or, just have a quiet conversation with my partner.” Dr. Ramani Durvasula, How To Create Healthy Relationships in a Culture of Toxicity

“Self-care is not just going to our local National Park but choosing a place to live where I have nature nearby. Self-care is in my daily choices. It’s not, ‘well now I’m going to Continue reading “How to Personalize Your Definition of Self-Care” →

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What Parents Enjoy About the Pandemic

Image of a happy Black woman with her arms behind her head. For the piece What Parents Enjoy about the pandemic

Gifts? From Lockdown?

“I would love to continue a career where I worked from home. It simplifies things and I feel much calmer. I’m also so much closer with my children now!! I’m treasuring this time.”

“We have saved money. I found spirituality in meditation. I learned how to take care of my kids without access to entertainment activities.”

“…Spending more time in my local environment (which is beautiful) and we really got to know our neighbors.”

“More time for me and less time in the car taking kids to activities. More time to help kids focus on what they need to be doing. Our family has really benefitted from this situation.”

Over 1,300 parents, mostly Mothers (96%) have shared the pandemic’s impact on their lives anonymously since March. And Covid-living, often without childcare, mental healthcare or self-care, is overwhelming.

So, when they were asked about the pandemic’s surprising rewards, some parents were at a loss to find anything good from this time of grief. One surveyed parent responded, “Absolutely nothing. I liked my old life.” But for most, the crisis has come with some unexpected treasures.

More and better time with family continues to be the most frequently cited benefit of the new situation. As painful as it has been, Covid has forced some positive changes that surveyed parents want Continue reading “What Parents Enjoy About the Pandemic” →

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What Couples Do to Strengthen Relationships in Lockdown

What Couples do to Strengthen Relationships in Lockdown image of a couple disagreeing sitting on a bed

The pandemic has forced impossible tradeoffs. As fragmented parents search for hidden bandwidth, the strain on couples has grown. Maintaining spark through the happy chaos of life with kids is difficult. But to completely revamp home life and face Covid as a team, often under the watchful gaze of children, is a herculean effort.

Over 1,200 parents shared their pandemic stories since March. The majority are Mothers (95%) who are either married (85%) or live with their partner (7%.) And lockdown continues to challenge relationships.

In the spring (March – June 6th) about a third (36%) felt they were doing ‘terribly’ or ‘not as well as usual’ as a spouse or partner. By the summer, it jumped to almost half (48%) and by the fall (September – November 6) it climbed to 52%. Dr. Yael Schonbrun, Clinical Psychologist, Author and Couples Therapist, shares strategies for the most commonly cited relationship trials of Covid.

Be Generous with Self-Compassion

Yael explained, “Self-compassion offers a raft through the roughest life waters and is available to each of us, even when nothing else is. It involves three Continue reading “What Couples Do to Strengthen Relationships in Lockdown” →

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Welcome to the Tyranny of Self-Care

Image of Black woman sitting on a chair reading a book. For Welcome to the Tyranny of Self-Care piece

“Self-care is taking care of my own energy level.” Said Leah Ruppanner, Author of Motherlands and Associate Professor at the University of Melbourne. It’s a powerful definition and rallying cry to disrupt how we think about it. She added, “I’m trying to resist how the wellness industry defines self-care, where I have to do yoga and become thin. I reject that model of self-care but sometimes, find it very seductive, because it’s simple solutions for complex problems.”

Audre Lorde, who coined the term described it as an “act of self-preservation.” So, it’s ironic that self-care has become a source of inner conflict. Because it’s often conflated with pampering, some feel pressured by it.

But what if we measure our downtime by how rested we are instead of how much we get done? We live busy and in the pandemic, it’s unrealistic not to be. But powering through without some form of self-care leads to burnout.

Time Is More Fragmented Than Ever

Sheltered with family 24/7 makes this more challenging. “What I have found in this pandemic, is that my work requires concentrated, uninterrupted time. And my child requires instruction and constant Continue reading “Welcome to the Tyranny of Self-Care” →

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Loneliness When You’re Not Alone

Image of two grandparents, with masks on, waiving to a Mother and her son with masks on from social distance. Loneliness When You’re Not Alone

Over 1,000* parents, primarily Moms (94%) have shared their experiences with the pandemic since late March. Five months in, time spent caring for mental and physical health, continues to erode. And over 2/3 admit spending less time maintaining relationships with other adults that keep them anchored. Parents have increasingly shared loneliness has been the hardest part of social distance.

“Not being able to be with people I care about. Now everyone is just a phone friend.”

“I’m low on incidental socialization (i.e. chatting with parents while kids are at activities, socializing with people at the gym, getting together with friends who don’t live on my street.)”

“Not being able to see friends and family and/or needing to limit the amount of interaction with them.”

Isolation…With Family?

We love our families. Their persistent presence has been the greatest source of conflict and joy in lockdown, for most surveyed parents. But being ‘always on’ whether for work or kids, is wearing. The bonds we have with other adults — friends, family and colleagues – often provide  Continue reading “Loneliness When You’re Not Alone” →

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The Hidden Heroes of This Pandemic

Image of super mom silhouette flying under the title, The Hidden Heroes of This Pandemic.
Moms are heroic. Yes, you are a hero.

We set up the meal chains, sewing circles and food drives. We do the essential or remote work and make it look seamless, even though we juggle. Struggle. Zooming kids, looming deadlines and grocery-bingo fade in and out of days without edges. We manage our fears and just keep on soothing. We remain available and reliable to the people in our lives. Being at home has always meant being busy.

The next great act for Moms may just be learning to self-care ‘in place.’

Together, Forward

You may have found your footing emotionally, financially or professionally before the pandemic. Or you were about to unravel and needed a serious reset.

Continue reading “The Hidden Heroes of This Pandemic” →

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Do You Know How Motherhood Helps Your Career?

Woman celebrating under title Do You Know How Motherhood Helps Your Career?

That’s Right. There’s Upside to the Work/Life Juggle!

“I didn’t realize it would be psychologically painful. It surprised me, how it would all feel, going back to work when my child was 2 months old,” Said Dr. Yael Schonbrun, Clinical Psychologist, Author and Co-host of the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast. 

The hard parts of working Motherhood are felt immediately. Within hours of returning to work, we fight to compartmentalize. We think about what our kids and our jobs need. All. Day. Long. Even if it were possible, just trying to quiet that inner dialogue, feels disloyal. As if we’re trying to make Motherhood’s messy emotions smaller. Less demanding. Work, once a refuge, begins to fragment us.

What about the sunny side? We rarely think about the Continue reading “Do You Know How Motherhood Helps Your Career?” →

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How to Replenish When You’re Burned Out

Image of Woman on Beach doing yoga for How to Replenish When You're Burned Out

“How was your trip?” I asked. “It was wonderful, but I broke my foot,” Anna said with a laugh. She then described stepping into an ‘ocean pothole’ while surfing.  “It was great fun, but it wasn’t the first time my body told me to stop when my brain said keep going! Now, I have to slow down, for 6 to 8 weeks.”

Anna went on a yoga retreat in the Costa Rican jungle on a mission … to recover from overwhelm and reclaim her joy. “I can’t believe I went. I’m so glad I went,” she said.

We oversee complex schedules and fragile childcare logistics, without breaks, for years. Moms speak the language of exhaustion. Burnout, however, can consume all of your remaining energy. Whether it’s from a crisis, or the daily routine, feeling drained and disconnected is Continue reading “How to Replenish When You’re Burned Out” →

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Learn How to Keep Your Creative Edge From a Professional Artist

Learn How to Keep Your Creative Edge From a Professional Artist image

“I feel like I’m in such a hurry I don’t fully soak up the process,” lamented Soyoung L Kim, artist and writer, describing the preparation for her first solo art exhibit. Over lunch, we discussed all-things-creativity, including her professional journey, self-care and generating fresh ideas.

What if you’re not an artist? Finding creative solutions accelerates most careers. Creative thought, however, loves mental space. Lots of it. Inevitably, when you need it most, your inner-well-of-creativity, will appear to be dry. Frustratingly dry.

How can you rekindle and maintain that incredible energy? The answer might be having more than one creative love. Learn how a professional artist, faces the common challenges of getting unstuck and tapping her inner-genius, while juggling Continue reading “Learn How to Keep Your Creative Edge From a Professional Artist” →

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If Setting Better Boundaries Can Improve Your Life, Why Don’t You?

Can BetterBoundaries Change Your Life?

“I think part of the problem is that I hardly have any boundaries. I’ve given up eating, sleeping, showering on a regular basis just to maintain work and family. Forget self-care, tv, movies, reading or seeing friends. No time!”

“I’m not sure what to say about this… I don’t know that I have rules for myself at home, other than the ‘alone time’ trigger, which is less a rule than an escape clause…”

What rules do you set to protect your time? What routines help you keep commitments, to yourself, and others? In an anonymous survey, nearly 200 Moms shared their experiences setting, modifying (and yes, ignoring) their personal boundaries. We spend so much energy navigating external boundaries, the barriers between what we have and want, that we forget to erect our own. Protective ones.

Strong personal boundaries are the answer to over-do and never-done. The tenuous states of anxiety most Moms call home. We fritter from must-do to have-to and rarely make space to think. Practicing regular self-care, or just relaxing, begins to feel impossible. It’s scary when the life we wanted doesn’t leave room for what we need. We do it for our children, partners and communities. We do it because it’s  Continue reading “If Setting Better Boundaries Can Improve Your Life, Why Don’t You?” →

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