“Mental load is invisible work because you can’t see it so, you could be carrying it right now as you’re listening to this, reading or driving. It’s boundary-less and what I mean by that, is you can take it anywhere. So, you won’t take your dirty laundry or dishes to work but you will take your mental load there because you can bring it with you. On walks, into the bath and even while you’re sleeping you might be woken up by something you need to remember to do. And it’s enduring because it’s tied to the people we love,” said Dr. Leah Ruppanner, Author, Professor, Researcher.
Managing mental load does not feel good on the inside, especially when you’ve been doing it for a while. But the end result is so prized in our culture, we begin to equate the mental gymnastics of noticing, planning, worrying and supporting, with motherhood.
But it’s not the same and the emotional hurdles we endure through daily life, become exhausting over time. This is the topic of Leah’s newest book, Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More.
The Mental Load Has Multiple Dimensions
In her book, Leah defines 8 types of mental load based on her extensive research. She focuses on the following activities that carry emotional weight as the differentiator from other forms of cognitive labor.
- Life organization, aka staying on top of planning and tasks.
- Emotional support, checking in on family friends and co-workers.
- Relationship hygiene, maintaining strong social connections.
- Magic making, carrying on traditions and creating special life moments.
- Dream building, helping others fulfill their passions and ambitions.
- Individual upkeep, to stay ‘fit and healthy’
- Safety – protecting family ad loved ones from danger
- Meta-care — raising children who will thrive in the future.
You Can Learn to Notice Them
When I read the list for the first time, I felt seen but what’s the remedy? We’re not going to stop feeling accountable to planning, worrying or supporting people we love. In the book, Leah explains how to understand where you experience ‘credits’ or benefits from spending mental load energy. Like the mental work aligned with your values, goals and needs. Versus when the mental load comes solely at a personal cost. Of course, it’s not exactly clean, because there are activities where you experience both “credits and costs” but the beauty is, you can track this.
Track Your Mental Load
You can take a mental load audit because visibility and measurement are powerful steps to shift behavior. Leah said, “I ask you to start to identify what the tasks are in each category. You can do this with pen and paper, but you can also just do it in terms of your awareness. Start to identify where your mental load is going because, you are not just carrying one type, you’re carrying eight.”
Leah said, “You carry life organization, which is the mental load work of making sure everything in your life is done smoothly. And you’re also carrying the emotional support of checking in on friends and family.” Although the tasks are common, how many you carry at any point or how you feel about them is unique. You may also have other significant responsibilities, like an intense work project, aging parents facing illness or your own illness that make solutions feel elusive.
There are Costs to Emotional Stewardship
Over 10,000 people have participated in the “Ligthen Lab” research study, conducted by Leah and her colleagues. This includes men and women, parents and non-parents. Leah looks for the patterns, especially by gender. “It’s interesting because I looked back at the data the other day and one of the highest peaks, about where people say their mental load is going, is checking in to make sure others are okay. Women in particular and mothers specifically, are really positioned to be the guardians of that ‘checking in. ’ And I’m telling you, that’s a mental load drain.” Why yes and we feel it over time and in the moment. Once we notice it, how do we disrupt the strain?
And Preempt Unhelpful Spirals
We had a rich discussion about how much of the ‘mom-stress’ we feel, is really macro stress. Leah said, “I describe this in the book. Basically we’re asking some mom in Poughkeepsie to shield her child from climate change, generative AI, a collapsing democracy, economic inequality and inflation and she’s supposed to be able to navigate that whole thing on her own. Not get any of it wrong and figure out how to perfectly position herself, and her child.”
I laughed, while nodding in agreement because it’s both true and ridiculous. Yes, we have to react to the realities we live in but we can become more selective with how we allocate mental energy. As a community, moms are reluctant to focus on self-preservation yet it’s critical to reduce stress.
Reclaim Agency in the Domains that Matter
Leah added, “It’s so unrealistic and absolute BS for society to ask us to shoulder all of this through our mental loads. So, I’m asking you to be a little bit more strategic. Start to quiet the noise to figure out when being aware is not helpful, because it doesn’t move you towards your goal of fill in the blank. Figure out when you’re giving energy in ways that are unproductive.”
There are a lot of important topics that matter in the grand scheme of things, like climate change. And yes, you can take steps within your family to care for the planet but it’s not something simply worrying as an individual, will fix. You can, however have a big impact on micro level health and safety practices. Like your children’s doctor’s visits and making sure they know how to wash their hands correctly. Yes, those things also carry mental weight but they’re anticipated with our parenting responsibilities and we have more control.
Stop the Spiral
Leah said, “If you’re sitting at home and thinking, ‘do we have enough milk for breakfast?’ you might just think, ‘no we don’t. We need to put it on the list’ and the decision is made. But you may think, ‘what kind of milk do we need to get? Should we be getting cow’s milk, oat milk or almond milk? Is almond milk actually bad for the environment? And if we don’t have enough milk in the morning will my child be prepared for school? They’ve been really grumpy lately, are they going to do well at school? I actually I haven’t even seen their test scores… I need to make sure they actually are achieving decent grades.’ It’s emotional thinking because it’s about the people we love and making sure everyone’s okay.” We know how one thought can tip off an internal tornado of mental load stress. So, how do we stop it?
Eliminate, Share, Reduce or Shift the Load
In the book she digs deep into the gendered mental load divide and shares interviews with men and women. Including couples, their perspectives, their mental load audit scores, epiphanies and shifts to reduce the uneven weight. She also recommends tactical tools that are simple to implement. Like, “a mental load swear jar” within the family, to make mental load spend more visible.
Although we discussed how “heavy and enduring” the mental load is, in the book Leah teaches us how to notice, reign in, share and reduce this emotional cognitive work.
Curate Your Relationships and Support
In the book, Leah also details the emotional weight of managing guilt, shame and perceived judgement from others. And where we can begin to cut ties with displaced social pressure. In the book she says, “…I often wouldn’t ask for help, even if it wouldn’t be a burden for the other mother, because I didn’t want to create an obligation to return to the favor. What’s more, a small part of me didn’t want other mothers to know that I couldn’t hold it together….”
Although the book is not specifically about married life, she tackles the gendered divide in mental load and shares stories from couples and communication strategies you can use with your partner, if you are partnered. Leah also includes how to identify people who “drain your mental load account” as part of your mental load audit. Versus those who restore it and provide you with support. She also explains you may need different people in your life to alleviate your mental load. Whether that’s friends, colleagues or assembling your paid or unpaid ‘village’ to ease the strain.
Many thanks to the talented Dr. Leah Ruppanner, PhD!
Get her amazing new book, Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More. Take your mental load audit, and follow her great adventure on Instagram.
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About Dr. Leah Ruppanner, PhD
Leah Ruppanner is a Professor of Sociology at the University of Melbourne and Founding Director of The Future of Work Lab. She is the author of Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More and Motherlands: How States Push Mothers Out of Employment. She has published more than 70 peer-reviewed articles on gender, work, and family. She is committed to understanding how women’s unpaid work—the time they spend on housework, childcare, and the mental load—impacts their ability to engage in employment, sleep, and overall well-being. Over the past five years, she has also focused on helping women prepare for changes driven by the future of work, with the goal of enabling greater control over their time and well-being.
