“I’ve heard from a lot of couples that ‘equal partnership’ is really easy until you have kids. Or even if it’s imbalanced, you don’t notice it because the person who’s doing a little bit more still has plenty of free time to go to the gym, see friends or have a hobby so, if you catch couples at the birth of the first child – no one is wrong, right, less or more yet,” said Dr. Kate Mangino, Author, Gender Norms and Social Change Specialist.
Post-pandemic conditions continue to add extra time, cost and complexity to life’s routines. Throw in the wobbly economy and it’s not surprising that as workloads increase, mental health for moms continues to decline. Moms, when partnered with dads, continue to ‘own’ the overwhelming majority of unpaid work and mental energy to plan it all in most families.
The stubborn gendered divide, which tends to catch us by surprise, becomes almost intractable after our children are born. Despite its corrosive impact on trust and goodwill in most relationships. However, this slide is not inevitable. What if your marriage was a source of solidarity and more support? We discussed how to make coupled collaboration easier and more equitable, whether you’re trying to conceive or planning your 10-year anniversary.
Choose to Commit
I first interviewed Kate for her book Equal Partners, where she distils observations from successful male/female partnerships. When I asked, what does it take for couples to align on a shared vision? She explained, “It’s a different answer for every couple. If you decide, ‘I have a lot of frustrations about our relationship but we’re not going to separate’ and it’s a healthy enough relationship, without violence of any kind, then I think it comes down to feeling a sense of fairness about what you’re both putting into the relationship and finding peace. And for some people, it’s just about honesty.”
Revisit How Gendered Roles Don’t Serve You
Kate said, “If couples can find a way to have intentional conversations in a safe space, then I believe you can find peace. I just think ‘peace’ looks different for every couple.”
Statistically speaking, moms still do twice as much household work and childcare, when partnered with dads. Over time the imbalanced workload isn’t just exhausting, it’s one of the top reasons couples split. “Your first child is the milestone that changes everything. It has more impact on the relationship than the arrival of a second, third, or fourth baby. With the first, people fall back into gendered patterns because they’re so exhausted they go into default mode – which means repeating things they’ve seen their friends and family do.”
Find a Safe Space for Expectation Setting
Breaking patterns within relationships requires cooperation and conditions that foster intimacy and candor. Kate, who has spoken with a lot of couples explained, “You can say it’s a ‘safe space’ but then you have to demonstrate safety. You have to listen to each other, hear your partner even if you don’t like what they are saying, and love them enough to keep communicating.”
She added this discussion looks very different when it’s with a couple who has been together for a decade, versus a couple just starting to plan their family or expecting their first. “Honestly, it is easier to have this conversation when you’re early in your relationship. There’s no blame yet because there’s no experience of parenting together. You are starting fresh together.”
Reset Your Relationship Rules
Many of us wish we could “go back in time” to rewrite the relationship rules. Long-term partnerships have accumulated joys, stressors, and norms that can be difficult to shift. Kate said, “You can change patterns at any point in time, we always have self-agency but when you’ve had a pattern for 15 years, it’s hard to change it. The feedback I receive has been, ‘I wish I had this at the beginning so that we could have had healthier patterns from the start’ and that reflects the data we have.”
Both Parties Need to be Heard
Unlike self-development, couples often need a neutral party to provide guidance. That can be a therapist, coach, faith leader, or skilled facilitator. Kate said, “Sometimes to come to resolution you need someone else there to help you ask the right questions and to make sure everyone has a chance to speak. For some, especially if it’s the person doing more of the domestic work, it’s just saying what they feel out loud. For example, ‘can you just admit to me that I do 80% of the work? It creates an incredible burden on me, I’m tired all the time and feel bitter so, can you just stop pretending that we have an equal partnership?’”
Retreat Space Can Help
Kate recently launched a retreat series to make it easier for couples to have the focused time for discussion, whether they’re planning to conceive, expecting their first or already navigating the blurry beauty of life with little ones. Along with co-facilitators she aims to help couples emerge with greater empathy for each other and clarity on their values, financial planning needs and household operations. A retreat isn’t realistic for every couple, but you can leverage these strategies to strengthen your marriage or relationship.
Key Considerations When Seeking Progress
Kate shares the following wisdom, from her Move Your Marriage methodology about gaining momentum and emerging stronger:
- Focus on what it takes to be “great parents” working as a team, instead of falling into stereotypes about “motherhood” and “fatherhood”
- Understand the typical patterns that people fall into when they go into “default mode.” This will better help you articulate how you want your family to be
- Make sure both partners have time for work, time for family, and time for yourself.
- Get clear on where your expectations lie and why you have them”
- Avoid blame and focus on a path forward
As with all things in our lives and relationships, having a strong marriage requires not only thoughtful decision making but clear intentions. Kate said, “You can do the work and be conscious about creating patterns to take into your family’s future.”
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Many thanks to the talented Dr. Kate Mangino!
Learn more about upcoming Move Your Marriage couples retreats. Check out her amazing book Equal Partners and follow Kate’s great adventure on her website and LinkedIn.
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Kate Mangino, PhD is a gender expert and professional facilitator who works with international non-profit organizations to promote positive social change. She has written and delivered curricula in over 20 countries about issues such as: gender equality, women’s empowerment, healthy masculinity, HIV prevention, and early and forced childhood marriage. She brings her lens of gender and social change to her debut book, Equal Partners, which addresses household gender inequality in the United States and offers practical advice as to what each of us can do to rewrite gender norms.
