“Because power isn’t a mood, an outfit, a moment, or a pose. It is the ability to access your deepest desires, express them fully, and use them to influence other people and the world at large.” from Kasia Urbaniak Author, Unbound: A Woman’s Guide to Power.
Unbound: A Wonan’s Guide to Power by Kasia Urbaniak boldly explores gender differences in how we seek and achieve influence with others. It’s a topic most women are conditioned to shy away from, and she tackles it in a super engaging and unconventional way.
I’m going to share a few caveats because, power has broad implications, and the book could easily be renamed “a woman’s guide to persuasion.” Because the focus of the book is on influence within interpersonal relationships. Including the micro-negotiations in our daily experiences with friends, family, partners, colleagues and clients.
Kasia, who is now a successful coach, spent nearly two decades training to be a Taoist nun in China. While also, working as a dominatrix in New York City, to pay for her education. She teaches concepts and strategies, to help women get what they really want, primarily based on her unique life experiences and observations.
Here are a few key takeaways:
Recognize the Double-Bind That Undermines Female Influence
“Name one “good girl” who changed the world. You can’t, because she can’t. It is the good girls job to maintain the status quo. Good girls are chaste, self-less, modest, accommodating, upbeat, friendly, low-maintenance and appropriate…”
Kasia explains how “good girl programming” is at the heart of the influence problem women face. In many cases we’re so torn, between following social conventions and sharing our real needs, that our “asks” get watered down. They can come across awkwardly to the other party when they’re either out of alignment with our body language, or tone of voice.
Many of us have felt the disconnect when we say “yes” and really mean “no” or dance around our needs, to avoid socially unacceptable territory. In the book, she refers to this as “the smush” that feeling of being pressed between bad choices. Which often leads to making requests in ways that become diluted.
Turn Your Attention “Outward” More Often
“Why do you say ‘no’ to the thing you want. Why do you suddenly find yourself mealy mouthed and stammering, despite months of intense preparation? Why is that guy so visibly pissed off by the request you made, even though you were so careful not to step on his toes and you were so nice…”
The author explains how we’re socialized to doubt ourselves. A process that requires a lot of inward attention and energy. So, we become experts in self-recrimination in ways that can undermine us, in the midst of conflicts. In the book she explains by keeping our attention outward, more often, we can “locate, approve and influence” others to navigate their resistance in disagreements. And emerge with better outcomes.
Influence happens when you can tune into the other person’s perceptions, fears or expectations. So, by keeping your attention “outwards” you can pick up on the other party’s body language and unstated needs. Those cues that allow you to course correct in real-time before a discussion goes sideways.
And Make Your Outrageous Ask
“…In general, we find that women trend conservative, even when they think they’ve gone too far, they haven’t gone far enough. …I’d urge you to go further than feels comfortable. Be direct, be outrageous, be skilled, be playful, we have a lot of ground to make up.”
Women don’t ask for what they need often enough. And throughout the book she shares stories from her personal life and the students she’s coached. Women who have self-advocated their way to equitable work conditions, leadership roles, fair custody arrangements and the intimacy they craved from their partners.
Many of us have experienced that finding the best ways to negotiate with and influence others, tends to be complicated. In the book, Kasia provides a lot of context about ‘why’ that is and describes the steps and nuances, including what to look for in detail.
Because there’s no playbook for every situation, she suggests finding a trusted group of friends or allies to role play with. Especially before going into a high stakes conversation. She offers this as part of her coaching business, and teaches people how to use these skills.
Even the most experienced negotiators among us struggle to find the right ways to self-advocate. Or shift the direction of an argument when it goes horribly wrong. I found the book provocative and refreshing. Whether you agree with all of her perspectives or not, most of which are pretty irreverent, you will leave the book thinking about how you negotiate in new ways and ideally, emerge with additional tools for your persuasion toolkit.
Check out the book, Unbound: A Wonan’s Guide to Power and learn more about Kasia Urbaniak’s work on her website.
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About Kasia Urbaniak:
Kasia Urbaniak is the founder and CEO of The Academy, a school that teaches women the foundations of power and influence.
Kasia’s perspective on power is unique. Over the course of nearly 20 years, she has worked as professional Dominatrix, practiced Taoist alchemy in one of the oldest female-led monasteries in China and obtained dozens of certifications in different disciplines, including Medical Qi Gong and Systemic Constellations.
Since founding The Academy in 2013, Kasia has taught over 4,000 women practical tools to step into leadership positions in their relationships, families, workplaces, and wider communities. She has spoken at corporations and conferences worldwide.
