All the positive self-talk and affirmations you can find will not fix a broken schedule. If you are trying to fit too many things into limited hours without pausing to reset and restore yourself, for yourself, it’s temporary. Sadly, this reality doesn’t mesh with the fairytale version of motherhood we’re taught. So, we get tangled in misplaced expectations that can last for years.
Choosing the ‘rules’ won’t lead to fulfilling your health or career goals. Myths are those urban legends of parenting, the folklore we aspire to and then fail to meet. When stress mountain feels impassable it helps to pause and revisit your assumptions or constraints. Then you can either affirm your choices or shift direction.
Myth 1: You Lack Willpower
No, it’s not that. What you really lack is discretionary time! You know that nagging feeling when you can’t make time for “the thing” you insisted you’d do? Whether it’s time for self-care, career growth, or friendship, the challenge for most moms is the lack of discretionary time. And what little we have is unpredictable and interruptible.
Myth 2: Better Boundaries are “the Answer”
We know our boundaries are rarely respected or accepted. They’re important but for them to work, you need strategies aligned with the context and setting. Especially in environments where you don’t have psychological safety or social power.
Myth 3: You can Always Ask Family and Friends for Help
Most of us have been socialized to be so competent that it’s really difficult to ask others for help. It can feel like defeat, especially if you do ask and still struggle to get critical support. If you’re partnered, yes your partner should be your first stop however, renegotiating household or childcare responsibilities can be tricky for a lot of couples.
It can be faster to lean on your family of origin but it depends on the relationships you have and their distance. Basically, there is no “one size fits all” village. You might need to build, buy, or barter to make your daily routines manageable.
Myth 4: If you Work Hard, Your Career will Grow
It turns out the more senior you get in your career, working “hard” and honorably, does not always translate into fair treatment or success in the way you might define it. Become savvy about networking internally and externally. And build an unassailable personal brand for more leverage rather than hoping you will be seen for your sacrifices.
Myth 5: Mothers Can “Have it all” Just Not All at Once
Okay, there’s an important insight embedded in this common expression. Namely, that seasonality matters and your capacity will change based on conditions in your family, career and life. However, this wisdom fails to address agism that often hits when we’re under 35 or over 50.
Although it’s not true in every field, it can limit growth and opportunity for women. That sweet spot, when you have enough gravitas and professional experience to advance in roles that might buy financial freedom later, are during childbearing or raising years. There are more options, including fractional or flexible work that have transformed many careers. But we don’t always get the same opportunities if we “defer” our dreams.
Myth 6: Your Children’s Needs are Always ‘first’ Even if You’re Drowning
This one is tricky, because it’s nuanced. Yes of course we prioritize our kids critical needs, that is at the base of the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs® framework. Yet, it turns out that when we are stressed, dysregulated, or unhappy, our kids often feel it.
It can alter our patience, and presence. Many studies show that chronic stress in parents often translates into higher levels of stress in children. Think about self-care as something you do for your children, not ‘instead of’ caring for them. Self-care routines can be adapted or shortened versus skipped altogether.
Myth 7: As Your Kids Grow, it ‘Gets Easier’
Okay, unless we’re talking about the sleep part, because being able to sleep through the night, most nights is incredible. But as your kids get into elementary school, middle school and high school, their schedules are more complicated. And will compete with yours more often.
They also need more of your guidance, presence, wisdom and in some cases, vigilance. The questions are harder to answer. And even if your child isn’t in sports, or the arts, they can’t drive themselves around, fill out medical waivers, or self-enroll in camps. It gets different but not easier in the way you might expect.
Myth 8: Climbing the Career Ladder is your Ticket to Stability
As you take on the enormous expense to raise children in the United States you will need wealth, not only income. Mothers are on the wrong end of the wage and leadership gaps. We’re also subject to workplace bias, in pregnancy and beyond. A straight linear path to the top is rare so prepare yourself for career interruptions. Build your savings, investments, and sidelines to create options.
The reality is, many of the changing conditions in your life are unpredictable. And we’re parenting in a complex climate. Trade-offs we make feel unimaginable in the moment and guilt from doing less than what you expect lingers.
Remember, some of the missed expectations are really from chasing the myths. You deserve a sustainable life that brings joy, invites clarity, and provides you with space for growth and if it feels elusive, then go back to the assumptions you had. It’s okay to evolve your template and reset the rules as often as you need to.
Order Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs to revisit the confusing often conflicting rules we’re taught to honor.
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📚 Order the book, Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs.
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