“(It’s) not constantly feeling like I’m having so many things thrown at me at one time that I cannot complete a thought…”
“Getting time to myself without lingering responsibilities.”
“Alone time, a bath, being able to participate in my hobbies (uninterrupted), sleep, relaxation.”
“Having time just to look out for myself, workout in peace, get my hair done, nails done, having true self care.”
Over 3,700 parents, mostly Moms (97%) have participated in our research study. It’s the longest running of its kind to examine changing work, life, and wellness needs, since March of 2020. In our current wave, we ask “what behaviors make you feel like you’re caring for yourself?” And surveyed Moms are candid about what they need. Although there are different flavors to each wish list, most often, time alone is the missing ingredient. And it ultimately becomes the barrier to restoring their energy, perspective and peace.
Self-Care Remains Low for Moms
Self-care is way down post-pandemic. In our current wave that began in January of 2023, 79% cite doing “terribly” or “not as well as usual” in all of the top of the hierarchy activities, we measure. The ones we need for mental, physical and emotional health. Although it’s an 11-point improvement, from the previous survey wave in 2022, it’s still down. Even when compared to spring of 2020. Often because Moms can’t escape their responsibilities, despite ‘me time’ being among the top desired improvements (62%) to their self-care regimens.
But Having Enough Solo-Time is Key for Mental Health
To be clear, a lack of discretionary time for Moms isn’t a new problem. But it’s inflamed by the worsening childcare, mental health, social justice and financial crises, that define post-pandemic life. Not to mention, the stubborn gendered divide in household responsibilities, for Moms partnered with Dads. Most of the activities Moms really want, like journaling, exercise, sleep, rest, and mindfulness, are best enjoyed solo. We need self-reflection time and opportunities to disconnect from other people’s expectations.
Not All Solitude is Equal
The ‘paradox of solitude’ has been studied and basically, for most people some time spent in solitude, is considered positive and important for mental health. But a preference for solitude can be an indicator of depression or poor mental health. Especially while loneliness and isolation has increased, often but not exclusively, among those who live alone. According to a University of Arizona study, “People don’t feel lonely until they spend three-quarters of their time alone. However, when their alone time goes beyond 75%, it becomes difficult for them to avoid feelings of loneliness.” So, when time alone is balanced by our social connections with friends and loved ones, it’s beneficial.
So, Let’s Break Down Desirable ‘Me Time’
Throughout this study, except briefly during the height of lockdown, Moms overwhelmingly, want more time to themselves. But how they define or want to spend ‘me time’ is rich and nuanced. Most in our study want to invest that time in self-directed, self-fulfilling activities. Ideally, free from worries or guilt about the to-do list. As one surveyed Mom said, “(It’s) having alone time, taking long showers, and being able to do something for myself without thought or having to place someone before me.” What does this ‘me time’ utopia look like? Well, it varies. But here are the key themes we heard from surveyed Moms.
Doing Something Just for Themselves Versus Others
“Anytime I can choose what I do that’s not to serve another person.”
“Diet, hygiene, time for me.”
“Giving myself moments to breathe.”
With an Emphasis on Self-Fulfillment
“Doing something, I enjoy, taking time away from work, reading.”
“Being kind to myself. Doing things that make me smile and happy”
“Being able to relax and do something for me like read a book.”
Caring For Their Bodies
“Brushing my teeth every day or treating myself to a cup of coffee.”
“Cooking and exercising regularly; me time.”
And Mental or Emotional Health
“Alone time, nurturing a feeling of importance and pride.”
“Consistent high-quality sleep, regular physical and emotional therapy.”
“Critical thinking”
“Crying”
Choosing Quiet Time
“Getting away for adult time, having quiet time and creating.”
“Getting plenty of rest and giving myself some quiet private time.”
Sustainable, Daily Habits Including Hygiene
“Eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, showering, having few minutes of downtime everyday.”
“Alone time, self-care, basic needs that don’t get neglected.”
“Having time to take a hot shower without interruption.”
“I recently started Acupuncture. I got an eye exam for the first time in over ten years. I’m giving myself permission to do nothing at times.”
Intentional, Authentic Enjoyment
“Having time during the day that isn’t work or scheduled family activities; actually knowing what to do with myself when I do have downtime; exercise.”
“Journaling, alone time, reading, Bible study, outings with friends.”
“Long hot showers, walks alone, when I can find time – meditation, reading, stretching, drinking enough water.”
The Space for it Remains Elusive
So, how do we access this state more often? Most in our study are not taking ‘me time’ consistently, if at all. Although they’re aware how much they need it, the barriers to having the time are significant. As one Mom shared, “(It’s) medical and mental health care, but I cannot access them currently. Care for my diet and physical state of being, but that’s also out of reach. Time alone to be human, but I have to settle for showering alone.”
In Part, Because Valuing Time ‘Alone’ Isn’t Enough
More time alone is the holy grail for most of us. But if that’s all you search for it’ts unlikely to materialize in ways you find fulfilling. So, become intentional about creating space, that I refer to as ‘energetic space.’ And being ruthless about your self-care time, although controversial, means having a plan for when you will take it each day. And maintaining the will to fiercely protect it.
So, Claim Your Energetic Space
Choose a time of day, when you have sufficient mental and physical energy to enjoy ‘me time’ in your preferred way. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but also have a “plan B” for whenever your primary time slot dissolves. We know childcare failures, not to mention cold season and other unplanned events, will derail your schedule often.
But you can do something else that restores you. For example, your ideal self-care slot might be going to a yoga class, but you can fit in a 10- or 15-minute walk as your back up plan. You may have a painting workshop scheduled, but only have time for a quick drawing at home.
Find Coverage That Works for Your Life
Taking ‘me time’ probably means you’ll need coverage. And what that looks like, depends on the age, health and independence of your kids. Whether coverage is your partner, if you are partnered, grandparent care, or when they’re in school, it doesn’t matter. Choose a window of time you can access reliably, most of the time. And yes, it’s okay if it’s a tiny little window of 15 minutes. It helps to understand (and ideally, track) how much time you spend on yourself now so you can increase it over time.
Protect Your Basics
While you’re en route to having more ‘me time’ secure your fundamentals. Yes, it’s those same things everyone tells us are critical for our health. Like sleep, nutrition, proactive movement, mental and physical healthcare. This includes paying attention to changes in your hormonal, and emotional needs over time.
Take a peek at your calendar for this week. Look for spaces where you can block at least 30 to 90 minutes. If you have a shared calendar with your colleagues, you can label it as private or an appointment. Or boldly claim it as ‘me time’ after all, many leaders are trying to incentivize employee wellbeing. Make it easy to comply. Start with one or two calendar blocks until you can find one each day. Over time, you can develop realistic strategies that suit your season of life and goals. Including boundaries and support systems, to refuel.
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🔥🔥🔥 It’s NOT TOO LATE! Join our fall wellness + career accelerator. It starts September 17th
Supportive community of Moms, to navigate work/life through fall? Yes please! Join our first women’s work/life wellness accelerator, a cohort-based program for Moms on 9/17. Learn more and enroll yourself or colleagues here.
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Enjoy the gift of more time for wellbeing and growth. Plus delightful self-care packages for Moms, delivered to your door.
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