“There are many on ramps to asking your partner questions and it’s not about getting something right. It’s about figuring out your point of view, realizing how strong it is and then being able to have a healthy conversation about that topic to see if you can align,” said Lindsay Jill Roth, Author and Television Producer.
We know communication is key for strong partnerships of any kind but it gets tricky to do that well or consistently in a romantic relationship. Especially after having kids where even the most passionate among us shift from planning date nights to drop offs, laundry and taxes. In her newest book, Romances and Practicalities: A Love Story (Maybe Yours) in 250 Questions, Lindsay shares the system she and her partner used to figure out if they were right for each other, before marriage.
The book breaks down a very intimate yet practical questionnaire in each chapter. The system includes everything from preferences about communication and sex to pets and parenting. Although it’s a great way to vet a new partner, it’s also a fun way to strengthen bonds and reignite spark in a long-term relationship.
Intimacy Comes from Depth
On the surface of any relationship, it’s easy to seem values aligned, however, things tend to change when you get into the nitty gritty of daily life. Like how you disagree, navigate a crisis or feel about cats.
Lindsay said, “When I finally found someone who I liked so much and seemed to really like me, I wanted to put all my fears aside and throw everything on the table. To really know and understand all we could about each other.” So, while the demands on our time increase, how can we reintroduce the beauty of intentional discovery as a couple?
So, Keep the Flame of Curiosity Alive
If you have ever stumbled into an argument unexpectedly with a partner, then you’ve probably experienced the shock of learning about an unmet need. Lindsay demonstrates how getting to know each other at a deeper level, can be fun and practical. “The whole thesis of the book is that the sexiest type of romance, and trust me this process is super sexy, is based in practicality. It’s really nice when you can go to your partner and say, ‘I want to let our guards down, I want us to listen to each other.’”
Work Through Your Needs as They Change
When Lindsay and her partner started dating, they followed serendipity until, she realized how critical it was to get specific. “He and I had the beauty of creating this system, so we were figuring it out as we went. But there was an event that led to me say, ‘hold on, this is too important if we are going to spend our lives together.’ We’re different religions and at the time, lived in different countries. We seemed to have the same ideals, but I didn’t actually know if we did.” The book follows their whole love story but even now, they continue to connect, and revisit needs as the relationship evolves.
Tackle Topics You May Not Have Covered Together
It can be unsettling when fundamental differences surprise us in a relationship. Especially when it’s about parenting but it helps to remain flexible.
Lindsay said, “It’s always easier to revisit something you’ve already spoken about. So, if you’ve been saying. ‘Oh my God I thought we’d handle this situation like this and clearly we didn’t!’ That’s okay. You don’t have to make yourselves stick to these agreements, but the fundamentals are there. Because having kids isn’t just about ‘having kids.’ It’s really about money, schooling, religion, routines, rituals, and food. All things that you should have talked about or be comfortable talking about.”
Get Curious About Outsized Reactions
In relationships, it’s not uncommon to step onto emotional landmines. You know, something that tipped off a firestorm of rage or sadness? Lindsay interviewed 100 people, including celebrities, couples and experts, who also share stories in the book. One woman explained that it was a huge turn on for her, when her husband took the trash out before bed. By contrast, if he didn’t do it, she wasn’t happy about it.
Lindsay explained, “I spoke with an incredible therapist, Lori Gottlieb who said, ‘if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.’ What that means is, if the trash not going out is causing you to lose your mind, take a step back. If you should be having a ‘2’ reaction not an ‘8’ reaction, it’s something from your past that’s coming up and this is the vessel it’s arriving in.” So true!
Preempt Tension with Regular Check Ins
Lindsay and her husband still check in with each other frequently. “We’re a little less scheduled in our structure now because it’s become routine. We say, ‘alright let’s just sit down and go over the week’s plans for the kids and work.’ If we’re thinking about something, we feel comfortable to just bring it up.” Experiment until you find an approach that works for you. She added, “I spoke with this incredible couple, Dhru Purohit and Yasmin Nouri and when they have their weekly check ins, not only do they talk about their lives, they also talk about who in their lives they should be prioritizing. So, again choose your own adventure based on your partnership.”
Staying Connected Can Be on Any Schedule
Lindsay explains there are many ways to open a regular cadence. “For example, you can put on the calendar that every six months you raise financial questions. Or every three months you talk about household routines.”
Hearing “we need to talk” can feel like being dragged into purgatory but there are many ways to introduce the idea and dial down resistance. She explained, “What I recommend doing in those situations is, pick the topic that’s the least scary. You don’t even have to tell your partner this is going to become a regular thing. Have the first few check ins and then say, ‘let’s make this a thing!’ Start with baby steps.”
Honor Your Needs
As Lindsay says, “practical is sexy” because ultimately, it’s the everyday moments that define how well supported, happy and connected we feel in our relationships. She explains in the book how going through this process, of asking and answering the right questions has made people feel “seen.”
She added, “I shared my story and other people’s stories because women especially, Moms and those who are people pleasers, need to know that it’s okay to stick up for yourself. It’s okay to be a Mom with needs, actually it’s great to be a Mom with needs!”
Many thanks to the talented Lindsay Jill Roth!
Check out her delightful new book, Romances and Practicalities: A Love Story (Maybe Yours) in 250 Questions and follow her great adventure on her website, Instagram and Linked In.
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About Lindsay:
Lindsay Jill Roth is an award-winning television and live-events producer who has created and developed a wide variety of programming globally, including original content for NBC, BET, ESPN, Food Network, Billboard, The Masters, The Grammys, The TONYs, and the US Open. She is the former producer of Emmy-nominated Larry King Now and the creator and executive producer of Haylie Duff’s Real Girl’s Kitchen. She is also the author of the novel What Pretty Girls Are Made Of. Lindsay lives in New York and London with her husband and two young sons.
