“I have a special needs child, and at a previous employer, even though the organization was woman-led, it was really challenging. They weren’t understanding about what it’s like to be a special needs parent or even a parent. Many were very high-powered women, that had nannies, or often husbands who weren’t breadwinners picking up the slack. Their perspective was, ‘I managed to keep this all together when I was coming up in my career. So, you should be able to.’ You really had to show that you had it all together,” said Sienna Farris, Marketing Leader, Speaker, and Special Needs Advocate.
Caring for others does not happen in isolation. We need ecosystems that include care teams at home and supportive policies at work, especially when we become more senior. Anything can change for your child and dictate what you can or can’t do professionally. This dependency, to maintain space, is scary for a lot of us but critical for parents of kids with complex medical needs. So, how do you continue to build capacity and seek support?
Are Your Work/Life Boundaries Respected?
Although leaders who are parents can be supportive, it’s not always the case. Traditional work hasn’t been family-friendly. So, many leaders including Moms, internalize the expectations to work like machines. Sienna said, “When my son was two, I finally found a special needs preschool that had all of his therapies in one place. But he had never been in this kind of environment before. So, I told people I worked with that I’d be unavailable for a few hours on his first day, to help him adjust. But I got all these phone calls like, ‘where are you? what’s happening?’ And I was like, ‘I’m at a school for my child who is legally blind, and you’re harassing me?’ I was really annoyed.”
If Not, Can You Push Back?
We’ve all been in that moment, where someone at work violates our personal boundaries or asks for something unreasonable. But the psychological safety may not be there, to pause and educate your colleagues. Millions of families have children with disabilities or chronic health conditions that require complex medical care, equipment or specialized education.
Sienna explained, “My son has a lot of significant health challenges. He needs vision therapy, physical therapy, and feeding therapy. And looking back I probably should have taken a leave of absence. But at the time, I wanted to be this career person and stay in the game.”
Determine if it’s Psychologically Safe to Be Open
Sienna said, “I was transparent about my son having these health challenges. But so many times, as a Black woman, I feel like I have to be better than everyone else. So, I’m like, ‘you need me on the call? I got it, I can make it happen.’ I would rarely say no.” Between the Motherhood penalty, wage and leadership gaps, vulnerability at work is tricky. And the penalties are even steeper for women of color, or those who are LGBTQ+ or disabled. The less represented you are in leadership the harder it is to rise, which often discourages us from setting healthy work/life boundaries.
Especially When Your Care Needs Increase
Sienna said, “When the pandemic hit, we left Brooklyn and went to our house in the Catskills. I didn’t have a nanny or a cleaning lady anymore, my husband was working for a company that pivoted to do COVID testing, so he was super busy. And I had to do Zoom school, physical therapy and occupational therapy for our son.” Although she worked in a more flexible environment at that point, like many of us, she lost her “village” during lockdown.
Educate Your Colleagues
Sienna explained, “I was starting to mess up a little bit at work for the first time. Like missing a deadline or being confused about what my boss wanted. She was always telling me, ‘You would never even know that you have a special needs child. You always have everything so together.’ But I had to educate her about what was going on and with everything on Zoom, she could see what it was really like.”
She felt comfortable explaining her needs to her colleagues. However, if you’re in a situation where the psychological safety isn’t there, consider reaching out to your Human Resources team or Employee Resource Group for support and guidance to renegotiate expectations or deadlines.
If Possible, Expand Your Care Team
Parents are already at high risk for caregiver burnout, and it’s amplified for special needs parents. Moms are also at greater risk for most stress-related illnesses. Kids require a lot of our mental and emotional energy and Sienna has evolved her support system over the years. She said, “I’m fortunate I’ve had the same nanny since my son was an infant. My husband has had different jobs, some with more flexibility than others, but for the most part I am the one picking up the slack. If push comes to shove, my mother doesn’t live too far away so, when I can plan ahead, luckily, she’s still healthy and can help.”
Maintain Your Self-Care Routines
When I asked Sienna how self-care fits into her life, she said, “Exercise is my self-care. And I prioritize two hours a day for weight training and a cardiovascular workout. Usually, it’s also time to myself but sometimes my son is there with me, because it’s for 2 hours.” Movement is essential for mental and physical wellbeing.
She added, “Working out is super important and really helps me with my son. Because when we had a very scary situation over the weekend, where he tripped on the subway and was literally on the platform with part of his foot stuck between the cars, I could just pick him up.” Amazing!
And Seek More Support
If you’re partnered, involve your partner in as much of the work of caregiving and the household as possible. Sienna said, “My husband does a lot, pretty much all of the cooking and a lot of cleaning. But I was doing the day-to-day planning, scheduling and visits with our son’s therapists and doctors. I have a very good therapist I see once a week, and remember in the beginning, complaining to her about the number of appointments I was managing. So, she often helps me figure out how to set new boundaries. I told my husband, ‘Okay, now you’re in charge of the dentist.’ So, as the dentist person, he makes all of those appointments now.”
We have a childcare shortage in the US and finding special needs childcare is much more difficult. But most public health departments have navigation resources, including information about state run programs or subsidies. Many larger employers offer benefits like access to childcare databases that include special needs caregivers, parent coaching, legal support, or employee assistance plans (EAPs) that will also guide you to local resources or specialists.
Many thanks to the talented Sienna Farris!
Follow Sienna’s great adventure on LinkedIn.
——-
Enjoy the gift of more time for wellbeing and growth. Plus delightful self-care packages for Moms, delivered to your door.
Ready to put yourself back onto your to-do list? Take a TimeCheck.
Shared your story yet? Take our quick survey to change how workplaces support parents.
Employers, become Allies@Work
About Sienna:
Sienna Farris has more than 20 years of marketing experience and a passion for creating branded experiences, advertising campaigns, partnerships and engagement strategies deeply rooted in culture and designed to authentically connect with the right audiences. Her background is varied and includes: publishing, beauty, entertainment & CPG. She specializes in creating new departments from the ground up from including establishing social media consultancies and creating a practice for reaching multicultural consumers.
