“What makes conflict so hard to stomach or navigate, is that the fallout is so unequally born. Because if I have conflict with my boss, we’re not on the same playing field. They still have influence over whether I get promoted, and how tough my life is, if I choose to stay there. There’s a cost to raise conflict. It’s the cost of not knowing how they’re going to react or what the repercussions are. And that cost is all on me,” said Elaine Lin Herring, Author, Speaker, and Facilitator.
Although conflict is a critical part of personal growth, debates can be so divisive, we tend to disengage from dissent. And as Elaine shared, when you?re at greater distance from social power, the risks are higher.
Women are already socialized to be pleasing. And we discussed how many of us from immigrant backgrounds, and communities of color, are taught to conform before we can talk. And if you’re disabled or LGBTQ+ there are added emotional burdens. Basically, the more marginalized groups you identify with, the more difficult asserting yourself can be.
But self-repression, isn’t exactly adaptive or healthy. So, in her new book, Unlearning Silence, How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent and Live More Fully, Elaine tackles how to unwind this programming. The book is a blueprint. In it, she distills wisdom from her professional experiences as a lawyer and mediator. Along with personal stories, into a practical guide.
Conflict is Inevitable
Conflict is unavoidable. And even in the healthiest of relationships, whether it’s with your spouse, bestie, or boss, there will be times you don’t agree. Of course, not all conflicts are equal and the context matters. Conflict is more accepted in certain cultures. And when there’s psychological safety, disputes don’t feel threatening.
With practice, most of us learn to disagree respectfully, most of the time. But the rules are uneven and sticky for Moms. Especially when money is involved, like at work. So, if peace-keeping is your point of pride, self-advocacy may feel jarring. But as Elaine shares, you can begin the journey of unlearning silence, from any point.
And Self-Repression Doesn?t Feel Good
Become aware of the triggers that silence you. Many of us self-silence to ‘play it safe,’ especially in our work lives. But it only creates a false sense of security. Elaine explained, “You think, ‘if I keep running fast enough, I’ll be safe. I?ll keep my place here and my stability, even though I’m exhausted and it doesn’t feel good. I’ll just keep it up.’ But then when you realize there is no running fast enough, working hard enough, or fitting in enough, it changes your investment. Because you realize that that investment is not mutual, and they can always change the target.” Amen.
So, Pay Attention to Your Instincts
As leaders, we’re asked to ‘be authentic’ yet we’re driven to mute ourselves after years of seeing backlash to candor. But you can find your voice and use it more often. Elaine said, “For me, voice is not only the words that we say. Fundamentally it’s, ‘do I get to be who I am?’ Whereas silence of course means, ‘I don’t. Or I have to edit out parts of myself to be accepted’ in order to stay in this relationship or organization.” As Elaine shares, it’s not a linear process. Often, it’s a series of moments that lead us to realize when silence isn’t okay.
Like When You Don?t Feel Seen
In 2020, in the wake of George Floyd’s murder, Elaine was drafting a response on behalf of her then employer. She explained, “In a draft I said, ‘silence at times is about survival.’ And one of my colleagues said, ‘I don’t understand what silence has to do with survival.’ I felt so gaslit that I texted my best friend, who’s Asian American like I am and asked, ‘silence as survival is a fundamental tenet of being an immigrant to this country. Is it not?’ And it was one of those moments I realized that they just didn’t get it.”
Let Go of Any Shame You May Feel
Despite her position of seniority, Elaine began to acknowledge, that she too felt silenced. She said, “I thought about how many years I let them be my gatekeepers. While silence is a strategy, it’s not a long-term strategy. But until the costs are more equally born, I don’t think we’re going to see that conflict come to the surface in a constructive way. Instead, it stays below the surface and bubbles up. And then, frankly infects most of our relationships and lives.” Why yes. Whether you call it misalignment or feeling diminished, when something at the core feels wrong, it’s troubling. But, it also inspires action.
And Practice Using Your Voice, Where It Feels Safe
Elaine said, “My approach has been to experiment. Because I didn’t even believe that I had a voice when I started.” So, if you need to create boundaries or show up for yourself in a new way, it doesn’t have to happen all at once. Or on anyone else’s timeline.
She explained, “Once, I was in an Uber leaving the airport, and it was stuffy in the back of the car. But the button to open the window wasn’t working. And I debated for a good 5 minutes ‘do I ask the driver if he can open the window?’ Like that’s how far back I had to start. Because my learned silence was so deep.”
Reframe What ?Offensive? Means
Elaine admits, “I didn’t want to offend the guy or be disruptive. I thought, ‘it’s just 20 minutes. You can suck it up and deal with it.’ The whole time I was silencing. Then, I decided to experiment and asked, ‘Sir, do you mind opening the window?’ You know, I don’t think he even said anything back to me. He pressed a button and then I could feel the fresh air on my face, and it was like the angels were singing! So, for me, this process is very much about experimentation.”
Create a New Image of Courage
Elaine said, “Part of what was tricky for me was the mental model I had. I thought using my voice had to look like protesting in the streets. Or flipping over tables! Doing those things didn’t fit so, I thought, what does using my voice even look like?”
Many of us internalize scenes from the movies about being bold. In our society, we’re expected to manage disappointment with more emotional labor. So, when defiance is celebrated, it’s often very male. Consider your assumptions and if needed, create a more expansive view. She added, “It’s asking yourself, what does leadership look like? And whichever approach you take, there is no judgment, because it is about how you move through the world.”
And Embrace the Process
Elaine said, “I’m still in this process of unlearning silence. Silence is learned over decades. From our families of origin, every experience in school, every job we’ve held and social group we’ve been part of. So, it’s not going to go away overnight. And for me, it’s a process of unlearning the habits, patterns, and defaults, that don’t serve me or allow me to show up as my fullest self. And it is unlearning the ways that, despite my best intentions, I silence the people around me.”
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Many thanks to the talented Elaine Lin Hering!
Buy Elaine’s new book, Unlearning Silence, How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent and Live More Fully. And check out the pre-order goodies on her website! Follow her great adventure on LinkedIn, and Instagram.
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About Elaine:
Elaine Lin Hering a facilitator, author, and speaker. She works with organizations and individuals to build skills in communication, collaboration, and conflict management. She has worked on six continents and facilitated executive education at Harvard, Dartmouth, Tufts, UC Berkeley, and UCLA. She is the former Advanced Training Director for the Harvard Mediation Program and a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School. She has worked with coal miners at BHP Billiton, micro-finance organizers in East Africa, mental health professionals in China, and senior leadership at the US Department of Commerce. Her clients include American Express, Chevron, Google, Nike, Novartis, PayPal, Pixar, and the Red Cross. She is the author of the forthcoming book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin, 2024).
