I wasn’t sure if what I heard was knocking, until it got louder. I was on a call with my sister and put down the phone to open our back door. My neighbor said, “Hey Leslie, we’re seeing a lot of water down here. Is anything leaking in your bathroom?” Before he could finish speaking, I sprinted out of the kitchen and saw water spilling into the hallway.
It was a mess, water everywhere including in our downstairs neighbor’s kitchen and it was all my fault. About 10 minutes before that, I started the bath water for my kids. Normally, I would put a timer on to turn the water off but that afternoon, I was already running two timers because I was baking and making dinner. Then when my sister called, between the dual cooking projects and conversation, it was too much mental load for my short-term memory.
Question the Real Cost of Overwork
I know my story isn’t unique. Most of us choreograph household operations through chaos daily. However, there’s a cognitive cost to keep that mental-Jenga-tower from toppling. Many of us don’t question the tradeoffs because we’ve probably seen our own mothers, grandmothers, aunties and friends do the same.
There’s a long tradition of mothers who demonstrate commitment with discomfort. Yet, working in ways that limit our ability to sleep, exercise, or be present with people we love, can’t be aspirational so, how do we stop the cycle and shift to something new?
Know That Burnout is Hard to Hide
Self-sacrifice is visible. It’s releasing that sigh when honoring an unreasonable request, struggling to start the day, or feeling exhausted by 9 am. When we’re unwell or unhappy, our families feel it even if they can’t name it. Many of us tend to feel guilt about making time for self-care but it’s something we’re conditioned into. And because modeling is the informal teaching we do within families, how will we change the legacies we share and pass down the gift of self-care to our children?
Build Your Repair Plan
I’m not saying it’s easy, we’re talking about hundreds of years of precedent here. Like all change, especially when it comes to social conditioning, there’s a process to unwind and rebuild. Recently I documented everything I’ve learned in the past 8 years of research, conversations and professional experience for my new book: Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs. I go into much greater detail in the book but here’s a little preview of the 3 key steps.
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Free your mind
There are invisible stressors that disproportionately impact mothers. Yes, mental load is big but so is decision fatigue and the emotional fallout from time scarcity. You need to know feeling haunted by the loss of clarity and focus isn’t just you. And if you’re increasingly worried or sad, instead of pushing through, consult with your doctor or a mental health professional. At all stages of this journey, seek out support over suffering.
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Ease your workload
Yep, you read that right. I can almost feel you shaking your head, thinking ‘impossible Leslie.’ Yes, it may seem unrealistic to do less, especially in the current climate but it’s necessary. And taking the space to trim strategically will unleash new possibilities for you.
Remember the embarrassing bath leak story I shared? Well, it led me to upskill my kids. Not only was it age appropriate, transferring this responsibility to them was long overdue and without that disaster, I might have held onto this task for even longer. If your children are babies or toddlers, you need different strategies to cut things from your list at home. This can start with ruthless prioritization and sharing the household with your partner, if you are partnered. You can also enlist your friends, family, and outsource help whenever it’s possible.
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Fuel Your Future
Everything you deserve is on the other side of your energy, yet it’s elusive for most moms and there are many reasons we’re more likely to be drained. As you may know most of my work is on the systems side of these problems. However, we do have some agency with our inputs like, the behaviors at the top of the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs. Sleep, movement, nutritious meals, and stress management are all sources of fuel that will boost your body and mind.
Model a Healthy Respect for Limits
The most effective way to teach the next generation is by showing them it’s possible with our daily actions. Give yourself some of that loving care we want them to feel. Our children notice when we are our most joyful selves so, presence and play outweigh precision in their eyes.
Chart the Better Course
This is a time of shifting cultural norms, the of drawing of lines and choosing how and where we want to lead. It’s happening in our organizations, communities and within our families. Box checking isn’t cutting it because performance doesn’t outpace substance. That beautiful picture you seek needs to be anchored to your lived experience.
Mother’s Day, as beautiful as it is, often means more work for us while everybody celebrates but it doesn’t have to be this way. If you know your family might plan what they think you want, over what actually serves your current state of mind, gently redirect them.
Choose Repair
You probably have an ideal vision, of what it means to restore yourself through action or inaction. Whether that’s a nap, enjoying tea while it’s still hot, an extra long shower, playing with your kids, holding hands with your partner or a hug from your own mother. Whatever repair looks like to you, why wait? Claim it.
The art of repair inside of our beautiful, turbulent and precious lives is the template I’d like to pass down to my children and yours. To normalize seasons of sprint and ambition, balanced by intentional rest and repair. And doing so while caring whole heartedly and fearlessly for our families and ourselves.
Wishing you and all of the moms in your circle, the happiest of Mother’s Days!
📚Pre-order the book, Repair With Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs as a gift to yourself or moms in your life.
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