Motherhood is so meaningful, that we often dismiss everything we do to keep our kids healthy and happy. But feeling like you can’t escape your to-do list, no matter how tired, sick or overcommitted you are, takes an emotional toll. We often hear about the importance of feeling “seen” and “heard” for our efforts in the workplace, but what about in the home? Where the most important work we do, is often invisible.
What Happens When Your Most Important Work Goes Unnoticed?
A new study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, by Doctors Ana Catalano Weeks and Leah Ruppanner highlights what every Mom knows in her heart. That when partnered with Dads, we ‘own’ the overwhelming majority of the mental load (aka cognitive labor) for the family.
Although all of the time use research in this area, documents that Moms carry the cognitive weight in most families, this new study shows Moms are on point for cleaning, scheduling and childcare at the rates of 80%, 81% and 72% respectively.
Moms Still Own Invisible Work Across Most Categories
There were only two categories where Moms were less likely to do most of the invisible labor. One, “booking a professional repair like a plumber” and two, “remembering when household items (like a car) need servicing.” But Moms were still likely to do this more episodic noticing and remembering nearly half of the time (45% and 42% respectively.)
Changing This Remains Slow or Elusive
How often have you tried to reassign housework to your kids or partner and have it just happen? Right. When kids are old enough to pick up household chores, they still require a lot of training and reminding to be effective. When Moms are partnered with Dads, it’s extremely difficult to change the status quo.
Parenting is beautiful and exhausting. So, few people with time choice will just ‘give up’ their leisure. But if the workload to raise kids and run the home is unequal, over time that shows up in the form of resentment, anger, or distance in the relationship.
Despite How Desperate Moms Are for Breaks
Carrying chronic stress doesn’t have good outcomes either. In addition to mental health challenges like anxiety and depression, inflammation leads to real physical consequences. And we know women are already at greater risk for most stress-related illnesses.
In our research study Mothers crave a variety of solutions. Including temporary relief in the form of self-care: like me time, exercise, meditation, mindfulness, and community support. Time with friends, family or faith practices, in addition to more permanent options. Like sharing the household responsibilities with their spouse or partner, being able to afford or increase paid help, reducing their workload in their careers and increasing their mental healthcare to ease the emotional strain of it all.
Here’s What You Can Do About It
The study cites that Moms take on 79% the cognitive load for “planning family events” like birthdays, holidays, and other celebrations. So, you may not have the mental energy to plan your escape yet. If so, that’s okay. What you can do, is commit to reducing your invisible workload starting right now. Even if you don’t have a plan for how you’ll do it. Know in your soul, that owning all of the mental work, in a two-parent household provided your partner is healthy, is unreasonable and unsustainable.
Start Your Day with Self-Regard
Instead of springing out of bed like a rocket each morning to tackle your to-do list, give yourself time to pause and think. Most self-help experts recommend a morning routine but of course, most Moms can’t imagine having a luxurious hour or two each morning, during what is often our busiest time of day.
But there are workarounds. In an interview with Dr. Caroline Danda, Child Psychologist and Author she recommends creating buffer space, between starting your day and spinning into service. She gets up just 15 minutes before her kids to center herself before the day begins.
Sleep, is pretty critical for your wellbeing too. So, you may not want to wake up before others but you can temporarily pause. It’s okay to hide from your family for 10 minutes to regroup, or put the baby in the bouncy chair with a music toy as you sip coffee. You can also show yourself a little love in the form of deep breaths, a quick meditation, journaling or doodling, to boost your mood.
Strategically Dial Back at Home
Pruning your list, to focus on what really matters, is not the same as quiet quitting. Unlike in the workplace, we’re largely in charge at home. But you must allow yourself to reset expectations. During an interview with Dr. Charmain Jackman Psychologist and Author about ways to dial back over delivery, she said, “There’s a certain amount of pride that we take in doing things a certain way. But once you create that list of what you’re doing that’s extra, choose one thing to let go of.”
Begin (or Continue) Negotiations with Your Husband
Household inequity, for Moms partnered with Dads, is a relic of the gendered divide embedded in our culture. So, if you are married to a man, unless you’re a newlywed, you’ve probably tried to address this at some point. But regardless of where you are in your relationship, evolve the conversations to ensure childcare and household responsibilities reflect mental load equity.
Develop an ongoing check-in to frequently revisit the mix, as a couple. Because what works today probably won’t work in six months. Eve Rodsky’s book and companion card game, Fair Play are an excellent guide for enlisting support from your partner, for not just “execution” but what she calls “CPE,” or the conception, planning and execution for any responsibility. And couples’ therapists or coaches, are excellent resources to provide expert guidance and accountability for a plan.
Revisit Your Responsibilities at Work
Think of your overall to-do list as one giant pie and pay attention to slices with the biggest impact. If you are revisiting the rules at home with your partner, that process is usually not quick. But you may have faster remedies to reduce overload in your professional life. If you manage other people, you can delegate more or begin to upskill members of your team with expanded responsibilities.
You can also ask your manager for more clarity about your current priorities and deadlines. You can opt out of unnecessary meetings, speak with your colleagues about aligning on deep work time to reduce the number of department meetings for everyone and if all else fails, you can outsource. Ask for a little bit of budget for some temporary or administrative help, especially if a high stakes project is at risk, you may just get it.
When you invest more time in your mental and physical health, everyone wins, including your family. So, give yourself the gift of less to think about, plan or organize. Take the steps, even if they’re small, to begin the process of reducing your invisible workload.
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