“…Caring for a small child without the presence/balance of the other biological parent. Being an only child and being a caregiver to an aging father… and the work I do is purely client-driven–my “office” hours often spill over into late nights/free time just so I can keep up with the workload in “non-family time” hours.”
“I just started a job that is incredibly demanding and has a lot of meetings and urgent projects. I can’t reliably schedule exercise, walks, even scheduling grocery pickup is hard. And my kids keep getting sick, so caring for them on top of all this feels impossible.”
“My kids come first. Every time I think I’ll have time to take care of myself, one of them gets sick or is more needy than usual.”
We’ve heard from over 3,700 parents, mostly moms (97%) since March of 2020 in our research study. The pandemic broke a lot of things wide open. Including how we work, communicate, care for ourselves, careers and families. However, as we rebuild work and home routines, we’re not immune to the stress of trading off strength in one role at the expense of another.
In our study although moms overwhelmingly are not taking care of themselves (79% cite doing terribly or not as well as usual) we’ve seen improvement in how they feel about their effectiveness in work and parenting. This matters because when you’re proud of how you show up, it’s that much easier to reward yourself with better treatment. Here’s how to put the stress and your wellbeing back into perspective.
Self-Evaluations of Parenting and Work Have Improved
In the beginning of our study, most (58%) in the paid workforce, felt like they were doing ‘terribly or not as well as usual’ as workers. In the past 2 years that’s come down to 37%. Roughly equivalent to those who feel like they’re doing either “the same,” “better than usual” or “really well.”
However, between layoffs, growing childcare shortages, return to office mandates and rising inflation, there’s increased pressure to pour more into professional life. So, it’s not surprising burnout continues to rise. Or that feeling better about work performance for mothers is often at the expense of self-care.
Why is Feeling “Effective” Important Anyway?
Self-efficacy means that you trust your ability to figure out how to achieve the goals you have in mind. The theory of self-efficacy has been studied in many different contexts and there are some conflicting opinions. At its core, however, is the idea of self-trust and confidence that you can do what you intend in your life. Stress, however, tends to drain energy and can even distort our perceptions about what’s possible. Often to our detriment, especially in our most treasured roles.
The Dilemma of ‘Getting Things Done’
“I have absolutely no time and a to-do list that seems never ending.”
“No time. Long working hours and long commute.”
Although our most important work is often invisible, we’re wired to equate progress with outcomes. We want to mentally check off those boxes. Like having more time with our kids, getting to those books we want to read or increasing our daily steps. In addition to our career ambitions like promotions, raises, and credentials earned. So, what happens to your sense of identity when you can’t check things off the list in the same way?
Context Matters
“(I’m a) single mom of special needs child and working overtime.”
“Too tired working and running the household. Inflation is insane but my pay hasn’t increased.”
“Shift work, default parent, high needs toddler, opposing work schedules with spouse.”
Let’s take a reality check on the stressors. In our study, moms overwhelmingly dial back their ambitions (87%) to make the logistics of their lives, including childcare, work. The turbulent economy, climate, and declining mental health among kids and adults is real. However, you can’t “make up” for the extra time everything takes with less sleep, movement or stress management. So, how do you rise from overload when you’re under supported?
If You’re Stressed, Acknowledge it
Women are already at greater risk for anxiety and depression. So, abandoning self-care only makes it worse. Dr. Charmain Jackman, Clinical Psychologist, Entrepreneur and Author suggests recognizing what you do differently when you’re under stress. “How do you know when you’re stressed out? Being able to name that, notice changes in your behavior and be honest about it with yourself, is really important.”
Reclaim Space with Small Shifts
We discussed how being stressed out, tends to distort our thinking. Charmain explained that can show up in a lot of ways, like with a scarcity mindset, excessive guilt, worry or sadness. So, creating a longer to-do list is generally not the answer. She said, “What is one thing you can do? If you give a stressed person a long list in that moment, they’re going to abandon it. So, take small steps. What can you do in the next 5 minutes? Even if you don’t feel like walking, for example, 5 minutes outdoors is going to make a difference. Do it because you will probably be surprised with the results and if you were to walk for 5 minutes every day, you may notice a shift.”
Schedule Your Breaks
Taking breaks is not natural for most of us, especially when our lives are full. Moms have very little if any discretionary time, and most workplaces provide little flexibility or respite from deadlines. Charmain said, “We’re programmed not to take those breaks. If you work full-time, you expect to work those eight hours. So, sometimes the change has to be behavioral before you can get there emotionally. Perhaps you need to put it into your calendar like a meeting or arrange to have a friend join you. Create the conditions where you are more likely to make it happen.”
Add Accountability That Suits Your Personality
When it comes to setting goals, there are benefits to creating structure. Charmain said, “There are ways to blend things that will help keep the accountability. I started walking with my daughter during the pandemic and then instead of feeling guilty about leaving the house, it helped to increase my time with her. How can you think about breaks as something you deserve? What helped me shift my habits was thinking if I don’t take care of myself health wise, I’m not going to be around for my kids. So that really got me.”
As a reminder, if you burn out, it’s not good for you, your family, or your career, everybody loses. So, take the time to adjust your routines in small increments. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be effective.
Many thanks to the talented Dr. Charmain Jackman!
Pre-order her new book, “ and follow her great adventure on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
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About Charmain,
Charmain F. Jackman, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist of Barbadian heritage and the Founder & CEO of InnoPsych, Inc. Growing up in a culture where the stigma of mental health was pervasive, but therapists of color were not, she decided that she was going to change that. Dr. Jackman has spent the last 20 years working with people of color (POC) in hospitals, clinics, courts and schools, and has consistently observed that POCs long for therapists who look like them, who understand them and who will do right by them! That knowledge has inspired Dr. Jackman to make it easier for POC to find therapists of color! She also wants to change the negative views of therapy and to educate POC about the necessity of taking care of their mental health and to empower communities to heal.
