It’s not always clear when or where to intervene with our aging parents. So, many of us step in for support in stages. Like helping with life’s logistics. From paying bills and finding medical specialists to providing meals and household management.
Whereas others, are thrown into full-time care to support activities of daily living. But unlike the somewhat predictable milestones we experience with healthy children, caring for aging parents tends to be more nuanced, emotional and fraught.
Many Stumble Through the Complexity
It’s a gift to have parents who age, not everyone is fortunate to have the opportunity to care for parents long term. Although it’s what many of us anticipate, caring for adults can be physically and emotionally demanding. Family caregivers, especially those of us who care for children in parallel, often struggle with the intricacy, expenses, and pressures.
Although my sister and I have cared for our parents, in one way or another, for more than a couple of decades their needs shifted radically in their eighties. If you are in the midst of caring for elders or eager to plan ahead, here’s a recap with sage advice from some of my favorite interviews on this topic.
Include Financial Needs in Your Long-Term Plan
“If we’re lucky to live a long life, it’s very likely that we will need some assistance for our aging relatives and potentially for ourselves. And our society has a non-existent safety net when it comes to care, particularly care for older adults.”
Abby Davisson, Author, Entrepreneur and Social Impact Leader. How Better Long-Term Planning Can Reduce Strain on Your Health
If Possible, Ask Aging Parents for Their Preferences
“… Approach people who are aging with ‘what do you want?’ as opposed to, ‘you need to do this.’ And there are frameworks now to help make these choices. So, we don’t need to jump to institutional care.”
Jody Gastfriend, Author, Senior Care Expert & Consultant, How the Dignity of Risk Might Ease the Overwhelm of Caring for Your Parents
Assess and Frequently Reassess Their Needs
Jody shared the four M’s framework to get aligned on key considerations. Including “what matters most” to the person receiving the care. She explained, “And then it goes into identifying mentation (mental health) medication and mobility needs. Which are the pillars for how someone can function in a certain setting or not.”
Jody Gastfriend, Author, Senior Care Expert & Consultant, How the Dignity of Risk Might Ease the Overwhelm of Caring for Your Parents
Get Legal Documents in Place to Support Critical or Long-Term Decisions
“It’s better when you can talk with the people who are important to you about their wishes, before they’re no longer able to care for themselves. Having all of the information, and making sure that legal documents are in place like a trust and durable power of attorney, makes things a lot smoother if they go sideways. Which they will for so many of us.”
Abby Davisson, Author, Entrepreneur and Social Impact Leader, How Better Long-Term Planning Can Reduce Strain on Your Health
Build Your Plan Around Strengths
“Look at what their strengths and capabilities are as opposed to their deficits. When we think about it that way, it does shift things.”
Jody Gastfriend, Author, Senior Care Expert & Consultant, How the Dignity of Risk Might Ease the Overwhelm of Caring for Your Parents
Be the “Coach” or Supporter (If Possible)
“If they can’t be in charge, you may need to become legally in charge. But in most situations, they can collaborate, coach and support. So, you are not the enforcer in many cases, you are the supporter.”
Jody Gastfriend, Author, Senior Care Expert & Consultant, How the Dignity of Risk Might Ease the Overwhelm of Caring for Your Parents
Seek Expert Guidance and Help
“There are nationwide resources through the area agencies on aging, the AAA’s that provide free assistance, consultation and guidance. If you’re caring for someone with dementia, the Alzheimer’s Association has a hotline with free information. Caregiving Action Network also has free care information. And then there are care managers, through the aging life care association. They’re not free but they’re usually worth their weight in gold. They work directly with seniors, form a relationship with them and become the eyes, ears and put resources in place. And they can work with adult children as well around how to approach a caregiving challenge.”
Jody Gastfriend, Author, Senior Care Expert & Consultant, How the Dignity of Risk Might Ease the Overwhelm of Caring for Your Parents
Prioritize Your Self-Care
Prioritize Your Self-Care “I meditated twice a day for 20 minutes. I learned to pay attention to my breathing as a way of quieting my overstuffed mind. I learned to be comfortable with stillness instead of racing through my day. Twice a day, for a brief period, I gave myself permission to stop doing. And focused on being.”
Jody Gastfriend, Is There Room for Self-Care in the Sandwich?
Caring for our aging loved ones is an essential part of the human condition. And how we show up is deeply connected to our defining values. But it can also put incredible strain on you, your financial wellbeing and your family relationships. Especially if you have different points of view about your parents’ care, with siblings or other stakeholders.
So, if you haven’t begun to plan ahead, start. If you’re in the midst of caring for your parents, or another aging loved one, continue to revisit your plan and assumptions regularly. And as always, create the space for your own self-care and wellbeing. Because flaming out, doesn’t serve you, your family or your career.
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