“I am so glad I ended my marriage. I’m so glad I started therapy.”
“(I need) enough money in my savings account, more work hours, more pay, a better and more positive maternal mental health work environment, emotional support and affordable therapy.”
“(I) definitely need less stress, mental health days, therapy.”
We’ve heard from over 3,700 parents, mostly mothers (97%) since March of 2020 about their work, life, and wellness needs. Including what stands in the way of self-care. Which we define as top of the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs categories. Like sleep, movement, stress management, learning, nutrition and interests.
Inevitably, when asked about self-care moms cite the need for mental healthcare. Either because they want to manage anxiety, depression, stress or just to reengage with restorative activities they enjoy. Mental health for moms continues to plummet. Recently, JAMA reported its steepest decline in self-reported maternal mental health. Last year then surgeon general Dr. Vivek Murty declared “parent stress” a public health crisis and our study echoes this trend in the form of declining self-care, with 79% in our current survey wave doing, “terribly” or “not as well as usual.”
The Problem is Bigger Than Being “Too Busy”
Okay, it’s true most moms are “too busy” and historically haven’t had much discretionary time. In the book “Overworked: How to Work Love and Play When No One Has the Time” Brigid Schulte explains the concept of “leisure” for women didn’t exist until the 1950’s. But now we face pressure to be hands-on vigilant parents, in a more expensive and divisive climate. Often with less access to healthcare or childcare. Not to mention, pressure to be tethered emotionally and electronically to our professional roles. There’s more friction in our daily lives and it’s unraveling us.
Therapy Can Help
In our study, moms are open about mental health triumphs and struggles. When asked about their preferred self-care or what prevents it, many share that they’re in therapy or want to be. Many also admit that they wished they could “afford” it because it’s’ not always accessible based on price, availability, distance or time. One surveyed mom said, “I need to start therapy and prioritizing my mental health and self-care.”
There are many ways to support your mental health and manage stress. However, therapy has a long history of being highly effective and there are several different types of therapy. So, it’s often recommended as the best path for support. Especially when you are navigating acute or complex circumstances, like trauma.
Set Up or Reset Therapy for Success
If you’ve been in therapy, you know it’s about more than showing up for the sessions. It’s a commitment to process what you learn about yourself. And invest in new habits, healing practices, exercises, or internal narratives.
I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Charmain Jackman, Clinical Psychologist, Author of about this. She suggested once you’ve done the basics, like finding the right fit in terms of your therapist and approach, sharing your needs and aligning on the treatment plan, then create ongoing space for yourself.
Do Your Therapy “Homework”
In most forms of talk therapy, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, you need to do something outside of your appointments to make the most out of the therapeutic process. Anticipate spending at least a couple of hours a week. As Charmain shared with me, that could involve anything from “setting an overdue boundary or having a critical conversation with your partner, to reframing assumptions or challenges from the previous week.”
Find Daily Stress-Relief That Works for You
Practices that promote mindfulness or relaxation, like journaling, breath work, yoga or meditation, are often critical to reduce stress and ease you into a more receptive state. It’s an iterative process that’s proven to be effective over time. As one surveyed mom has shared when asked about her self-care needs she said, “Being in therapy has helped a bit.”
Go in With a Plan
It’s okay to be goal oriented about therapy! You can have objectives for what you want to accomplish with that investment in your health and wellbeing. Charmain also suggests the following to solidify your therapy prep between sessions:
– Write it down (ensure that you remember what you want to accomplish between sessions)
– Reflect upon and recognize what’s helping or harming your evolution
Create Energetic Space
As I’ve shared in the past, there’s a calendar sweet spot we don’t hear about in the popular advice about personal transformation. Because moms and the demands of caregiving for kids or adults aren’t typically factored in.
Instead of wallowing in misplaced guilt about abandoning routines that don’t fit or lamenting a “lack of forward progress” when you’ve just started something new, think about where this process can match your schedule. Including the therapy homework. Perhaps you need to drop some commitments for a season, shift responsibilities at home if partnered, or hold to your scope at work.
Choose the intersection that works for the daily rhythm of your childcare, professional, and household commitments. It’s what I refer to as “energetic space” where:
- You have “sufficient” time to accomplish your goal from start to finish. Whether that’s meditation, rest or journaling.
- Your energy level is high enough to engage with the activity (i.e. don’t start a new practice for your mental health late at night if you’re a morning person.)
- You ideally have childcare (and/or eldercare) coverage to ensure focus. That doesn’t mean you need to have a nanny, sitter or daycare slot. It might be when your kids are in school, napping, with grandparents, coloring, reading or otherwise engaged.
If you’re intentional about using your time outside of therapy to complement strategies and discoveries you make in sessions, you will get more from your therapeutic relationship. And accelerate the healing, peace or stress management you’re working towards.
Many thanks to the talented Dr. Charmain Jackman!
Order her new book, “ and follow her great adventure on her company website, LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram.
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📚 Pre-order the book, Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs.
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About Charmain,
Charmain F. Jackman, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist of Barbadian heritage and the Founder & CEO of InnoPsych, Inc. Growing up in a culture where the stigma of mental health was pervasive, but therapists of color were not, she decided that she was going to change that. Dr. Jackman has spent the last 20 years working with people of color (POC) in hospitals, clinics, courts and schools, and has consistently observed that POCs long for therapists who look like them, who understand them and who will do right by them! That knowledge has inspired Dr. Jackman to make it easier for POC to find therapists of color! She also wants to change the negative views of therapy and to educate POC about the necessity of taking care of their mental health and to empower communities to heal.
