“Laura, it’s so great to see you!” I gave a warm hug to a friend that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. At the time, she was in the midst of a career transition so we met up at one of my favorite local bakeries, Flour in the South End of Boston, to discuss her interests and explore introductions I could make. As we chatted about her search, our kids and life in general, I enjoyed a dreamy raspberry lemon cake, with a light buttercream frosting.
It’s the kind of dessert that I used to make regularly, especially in my post-culinary school years. But now, I rarely invest time in fun, yet labor intensive baking projects. My baking has moved from, gateau opera and hazelnut tarts, to batch freezing brioche, chocolate banana bread and pumpkin scones for the kids. As we wrapped up our patio conversation, and went to take our dishes inside, I threw away a napkin in the outdoor trash can, but the wind took it and smeared buttercream along the edge of the bin. When Laura came outside, she asked, “Leslie, are you cleaning the garbage can?” I looked up, napkins in hand as I tried to scrub the excess buttercream from the side. I realized, how silly it was for me to feel the need to clean an outdoor trash can in a public place. I confessed, “Why yes, I think you now know everything you need to know about why I’m so overloaded.”
Even if it’s not cleaning public trash cans, are you holding onto some ‘should’ that doesn’t really serve you? There are some activities you probably feel compelled to do, that are almost automatic in nature, like a reflex. You might find yourself cleaning counters, picking up Legos, responding to that ‘reply all’ email chain that doesn’t require a response, or running around frantically trying to ‘pre-clean’ your home, before your paid house cleaner comes. I’m still prone to self-sabotage, but I’ve become savvier and more intentional about disrupting my go-to-patterns of overdo.
To consistently decrease your time spent on never-done tasks and increase your mental and physical energy, you need to ease your workload. There’s no way around that. Some of that can be done with trimming and cutting things that matter to you less right now, and we’ll spend time on exactly that. But I want to be clear, it also involves getting more support. It’s really a ‘both’ ‘and’ situation.
Do you remember the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murty declared ‘parent stress’ a public health crisis last year? Well, this is about your health! This is about optimizing your chances to have as many joyful, healthy years as possible. So, during this process and yes, I realize it is a process, please keep your eyes on the prize. Change can be complicated, and it will not feel natural to make these changes, because again, we are discouraged from doing things to care for ourselves, and we are celebrated when we serve others. But it is essential to override this programming. And the endgame, access to your own health and wellbeing, your birthright, is worth it
Yes, I want you to get that promotion, build that empire or lifesaving nonprofit you’ve been thinking about. I’d love for you to have the accolades, resources, and fulfillment, you richly deserve. But if your health is undermined because of the conditions most of us operate in, then you will not achieve the same things that you really want to achieve with the necessary fuel. Your health is what matters here, and all of your other goals and needs will follow from that. And just in case you need further convincing, it’s not only great for you and your career, but for your family.
This excerpt is adapted from chapter 4 of my first book “Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs” which launched on Wednesday. Over the past few weeks, activities may be spilling from your already too-full-calendar. It’s the season of back-to-school chaos, new childcare set ups, and event season. Many are also searching for new jobs, trying to build businesses or caring for parents and anything can throw off any equilibrium you may have felt before new commitments hit.
The reality is we cannot “set it and forget it” when it comes to personal and professional infrastructure. Our children’s needs change all the time and so do other conditions in our lives. You need to keep trimming your workload because the right support for your health, career, growth, and relationships, will change.
Order Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs and get a deeper dive into the how and why of easing your mental and physical workloads!
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