Whatever questions you have about how to grow, especially in your career, the answer involves finding more support. Whether you’re seeking a better job, fellowship, speaking gig or business growth, the right people will accelerate your speed-to-goal. It can be tricky, however to know when you need help, versus advice.
And more importantly how to ask for it because you know we love to give and hate to ask for help. This is especially true if you don’t have formal relationships with mentors, sponsors, advisors or managers. People who either have a vested interest in or commitment to your achievement.
Be Clear About When to Seek Help Versus Advice
Do you need someone to do something for you? Like make an introduction, secure an invitation or provide a recommendation? Then you’re asking for help. Or is thoughtful input more important? For example, someone to weigh in on the pros or cons of going back to school for your next career move. Or to provide insight about a future employer or recommend an accountant versus a bookkeeper for your business. Those are all examples of advice, when having context facilitates a better decision.
Consider How Much Relationship Capital You Have
Most of us benefit from and make professional connections often. Assisting others with their advancement is fulfilling and it’s a typical part of nourishing your network. Or supporting friends, especially when you become more senior in your career. It’s common in our professional lives to have this rather fluid exchange of expertise, ideas and support. But think through the depth or nature of your relationship with the other person, your needs and the etiquette of seeking unpaid support.
When Asking Gets Awkward
Everyone tells us to “ask for help” but you know how hard that can be. Sometimes the discomfort is internal, many of us were raised on the independence-myth. Your background and culture also influence how natural it feels to approach people for support. Especially if you cross into a murky category where the social dynamics are weird because it’s someone you barely know or what you really need is to pay someone versus request favors.
Here are a few guidelines to consider:
- Do I need help i.e. someone to do something for me, versus give advice or input?
- If I need help, am I asking them to do something that they would normally get paid for? (i.e. asking a professional speaker to speak at your for-profit company or paid event, as a volunteer.)
- If the situation calls for paid help, i.e. create a web page, advertise a product, or develop a budget, then can I ask directly about their fees or reach out for referrals to experts I can hire?
- Do I need ongoing support or is this a one-time, relatively quick request (i.e., like making an introduction versus helping me grow my start-up?) More time consuming ‘asks’ require a greater depth of relationship or connection.
- Is there enough relationship between us or context for what I’m asking? If this isn’t someone I know very well or have experience with, is what I’m asking within the scope of a typical request for a rather distant connection?
Start with People You Know
It’s usually harder to ask strangers for help or advice. Although many people are generous with their time. If you feel unsure about what you want, to get into the groove of support-seeking begin within your network, family, or friend circle.
With people you trust it’s okay if you’re not 100% sure of your needs and would like directional input. Seeking advice can help you get super clear and evolve your “ask” for better outcomes later.
Overcome Challenges Connecting Beyond Your Network
Moms face challenges with personal brand development, boundaries, confidence and self-promotion. The reasons are pretty well documented but remember there are workarounds to everything. According to research shared in the Harvard Business Review, “…Third-party ties allow women to be seen through the prism of their strengths and competencies rather than through a lens clouded by societal preconceptions.”
Yes, your network can have more impact advocating on your behalf than you can directly. However, you can’t always rely on this type of advocacy when you need it most so, once you have input from your connections experiment with direct requests.
Make Your Request Crisp with People you Don’t Know
Do you have a clear idea of what success looks like? If so, great. Do you know what type of people can be the most helpful to you? Good deal. Will you also have the capacity to follow through on their introductions, connections and let them know what happened? If so, reach beyond your current network and explain what you need with enough detail.
For example:
- Why you reached out to them
- How or why it’s relevant and/or beneficial to them (or consistent with their business model or approach)
- And what you’ll do to reciprocate, recognize or honor their time.
That doesn’t mean money, you can reward someone for advice or help without it. Again, we’re focused on those requests for support in the form of “help” and “advice.” Versus scenarios where you need paid expertise or influence because it’s much easier to reach out and navigate hiring someone in that context.
Not Everyone Will Follow Through
Most people really want to help you and if they’re other moms, they’re likely benevolent and busy. Which means the process isn’t perfect. Even when people have good intentions to honor your request, other conditions in their lives change. And they may not be able to help in a timely fashion or at all. If you get a ‘no’ don’t take it personally. It’s better when people have the psychological safety and comfort to honor their boundaries and you’re not left in the loop of limbo.
Has someone gone ghost on you? Well, follow up even when it feels vulnerable. It’s often helpful for people to receive a gentle reminder if they’ve agreed to do something for you. They may not have even seen your first message. But also give them grace and ask if this is still something they have time for.
Make it Easy for Them to Help or Pull Back
If it’s a request for an introduction and it’s time sensitive, you might say “I really appreciate your willingness to make this connection to XYZ person. I know how wild your schedule is so, I’ve written a brief note below that’s easy to forward or adapt as you see fit. However, if this isn’t good timing for you, no pressure. Please let me know and I can explore other mutual connections.”
When people are doing favors for you it will not happen 100% of the time and that’s okay. Be prepared for that because many of us reach a point of overload so deep, that we’re unable to keep every commitment. The more requests you make, the more comfortable you will be seeking support. Which means ultimately, you’ll receive more help.
Spoiler alert, this takes time so, be strategic with your requests. And think about the huge potential for better return on your time overall, versus going it alone. Remember, moms are still underrepresented in leadership across the most powerful industries. Like government, Fortune 500 companies, healthcare and higher education.
You can, however, change your growth trajectory despite this. Whether you are choosing to expand your impact, financial security, visibility, or legacy.
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🎁 Enjoy the gift of more time for you. Self-care support, app & packages for Moms.
⏱️ Ready to put yourself back onto your to-do list? Take a TimeCheck.
🙋🏽♀️ Shared your story yet? Take our quick survey to change how workplaces support parents.
⚖️ Employers, ready to rewrite hidden workplace rules? Become Allies@Work?
