“Many of us feel like we ‘brand’ ourselves, like in The Scarlet Letter, by asking for flexibility at work. As if a target is placed on our backs, that will put us onto the chopping block, the next time something, like a reorg happens. Although that can be a risk, you have to weigh your real options.” said Ashley Paré, Leadership Coach, Keynote Speaker and Former Human Resources Leader.
The U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murty’s new public health advisory elevates “parent stress” to a public health hazard. In it, he states, “…The work of raising a child is work, no less valuable than the work performed in a paid job and of extraordinary value when it comes to the impact on the future of society.”
This reality, as the report explains, is not reflected in our cultural norms. And until public policy catches up, for most parents workplace culture, is the center of gravity when it comes to their wellbeing.
Flexibility, Remains a Conditional Perk
Work flexibility went mainstream in the height of Covid, when daycares closed, and schools went remote or hybrid. Suddenly, the discretion to manage one’s own time, or in some cases location, was widely adopted.
As the economy tightened, more organizations dropped parental benefits and policies that increased worker autonomy. But it’s a crucial prerequisite, for flexibility, the elusive ingredient that makes it possible for parents to keep or grow in their careers.
Yet, Always Being ‘On Call’ Isn’t Sustainable
The Surgeon General’s report states, “41% of parents say that most days they are so stressed they cannot function. And 48% say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming compared to other adults (20% and 26%, respectively).”
It’s true, most parents and caregivers are beyond the point of burnout. Everything about parenting, is more complicated than it was pre-pandemic, and it was hard before. Pressure from a growing mental health crisis for children, added more weight to each part of the work/life equation. And the fragile childcare, eldercare, healthcare and education industries, take at least twice as much time to interact with. Not to mention the rising cost of living and economic crisis.
And Disproportionately Hurts Women
So, mental health in general, is declining for everyone. But parents and caregivers take more of a hit. And marginalized groups within the parenting community, pay an even higher health toll. In most families, whether kids need flu shots, new shoes, or homework help, Mom is on point to respond if partnered with a Dad.
Women largely own the invisible family to-do list, and mental gymnastics to maintain it. We’re also at greater risk for most stress-related illnesses. Like anxiety, and depression and if you’re also a person of color, disabled or LGBTQ+ the stress stats are abysmal.
So, Employers Need to Create the Psychological Safety
Kids are expensive and most parents can’t afford to upset their financial applecart’s. So, they suffer toxic managers or colleagues and avoid appearing to need ‘too much’ from their employers.
Ashley, explained, “The organizational culture and how leadership communicates it, acts, and then responds in the moment, is going to dictate whether or not somebody feels safe enough to speak up. Or they’re going to choose to stay silent. So, leaders need to be aware how our workforce has massively transformed in the past three to five years.”
Revisit Your Key Assumptions
Whether you’re a manager, a parent, or both, create space to pause and consider your options. Most parents, and especially Moms who tend to internalize the lack of support, try to hold on tight while doing all-the-things. But pushing through work demands, childcare failures, and illnesses, only undermines wellbeing.
So, think about what you, or members of your team need, to preserve mental health and physical energy. Ashley said, “ask yourself, ‘what am I afraid of if I speak up and ask for this flexibility?’”
Including the Price of Vulnerability
Ashley explained, “When someone who views themselves as ‘successful’ in life, needs help, they often feel overwhelmed. They think, ‘how can I share something vulnerable and personal, around the health of myself, or my family in a situation that’s out of my control?’ Those in need of flexibility must try to identify what’s fear versus what’s fact. Because our fears often keep us perpetually afraid and inclined to play small.” There’s also the very real fear of maternal or parental bias. So, where can you go for support?
Get Input Within a Safe Space
Use Employee Resource Groups, or informal discussions with other parents, you can trust. Ashley said, “Ask, ‘has anybody else in my organization asked for this and received it successfully? Has somebody spoken up and lost their job, or is that just my fear?’ So, test the market and ask some folks. It can be a good time to go to Human Resources and just ask about the process. For example, if you’re considering a leave of absence, understand what is protected, and what’s not. Also ask, ‘Can I have this conversation confidentially with you? Or will you just go and tell my manager?’ Think about what you can do to prepare and separate your fears from the reality. Look at it from both a job protection and support needs perspective. What are the facts?”
Many Fear Repercussions from Human Resource Involvement
Ashley spent a large part of her career as a Human Resources leader. Managing talent development, benefits, employee experience and retention. “I know there are jokes and biases about the HR function. People often say, ‘don’t tell HR because you’ll get fired’ but I’ve seen over and over again, that most companies do not want to fire people. Because it’s costly and it’s painful.” So, how can we close the gap in communication, between parents and employers?
So, Leaders Need to Be Proactive with Support
Ashley explained that it helps when leaders look across workforce needs. Which includes dynamics that impact different types of caregiving or parenting needs. Pregnant Moms-to-be, require different flexibility than Mothers of toddlers or teens. Or from those parenting children, or adults, with complex medical needs.
She explained, “Reflect and consider, ‘how many generations am I working with? What are their unique challenges or situations, even if I don’t have that experience, how can I try to understand what they might be going through?”
And Ground Managers on Flexibility Best Practices
The most overlooked, low-cost opportunity for employers, is offering thoughtful flexibility. This does not just mean, where people work, since most of the workforce cannot work remotely. So, upskill people managers to navigate common occurrences. Like parental or unplanned medical leaves, strategy pivots and turnover.
They can create different conditions for how work gets done. For example: stripping unnecessary synchronicity from the day-to-day work and staffing departments appropriately. Adjusting deadlines as conditions change, and creating meeting-free space for deep work, caregiving, or self-care. In person bonding is wonderful, but do so at inclusive times. And give a lot of notice for travel or other off-hours commitments.
🔥🔥🔥 Need more support this fall?
Of course you do. Join our first women’s work/life wellness accelerator, a cohort-based program for Moms on 9/17. Learn more and enroll yourself or colleagues here.
Many thanks to the talented Ashley Paré!
Learn more about Ashley’s work on her website, and follow her great adventure on Instagram.
——-
Enjoy the gift of more time. Plus delightful self-care packages for Moms, delivered to your door.
Ready to put yourself back onto your to-do list? Take a TimeCheck.
Shared your story yet? Take our quick survey to change how workplaces support parents.
Employers, become Allies@Work
About Ashley:
Ashley Paré is the CEO & Founder of Own Your Worth®. She’s helped thousands of women grow careers on their own terms by being authentic in tough conversations, building bridges through negotiation, and trusting “no” is not the end. As a Leadership Coach & Keynote Speaker, Ashley gives clients the tools to own their worth in order to create wealth, power and impact. Ashley is a TEDx Speaker with more than a decade of corporate experience in global Human Resources. She’s been featured in The New York Times, Glamour, CNN Money, Good Morning America and more. She resides with her husband and two sons in Boston, MA.
