“If your child has unique needs, and you don’t understand some of those needs, it takes a whole other level of effort and time to do your research and keep up with appointments to figure out what’s going on. It can be a really hard journey. And it’s so important is to make sure that moms give themselves time to manage their stress,” said Dr. Karen Wilson, Pediatric Neuropsychologist and Entrepreneur.
It’s estimated that 1 in 5 children are neurodiverse. Millions of families have kids who are anxious, depressed, dyslexic, or autistic. We often notice early when our children have challenges and then internalize the difficulties they face.
It can be a long, stressful trek to get a diagnosis and find the right providers. Yes, it’s common to face plot twists as parents. But the emotional, logistical and often financial strain when your child’s needs fall outside of the standard menu of options, can feel unmanageable. So how do you reset to best support yourself while supporting your child?
Remember, Caregiving Has no Finish Line
As I often share with everyone who will listen, caregiving is never really ‘done’ despite our desire to complete everything we’re involved in. Karen said, “My daughter should be at school, but she’s been sick for two days which throws everything off. It’s a cold, nothing serious, but that means she’s asking me for soup in the middle of the day when I would normally be working. She needs her temperature checked and just like at the base of the Mom’s hierarchy of Needs, everything stops to make sure that our children’s needs are met.”
And When we Can’t do “Every” Important Thing, we Feel Guilt
Karen said, “We know that moms are the primary caregiver and medical decision makers over 80% of the time in families so that mom guilt is real. And if you’re in the workforce then burnout becomes exacerbated.”
In our research study, the top barriers to self-care for mothers largely involve guilt. And it’s either guilt about not being available to their families or colleagues. Caregiving responsibilities do not fit neatly onto the calendar. So the need to revisit seasonally and maintain supportive infrastructure for yourself, not just your family, is critical.
If Your Child has Difficulties, Get Expert Support
If you notice that your child needs support, follow your instincts and get an assessment. Karen said, “If your child is struggling with reading it’s very different than if your child has a lot of anxiety and won’t get out of the car to go to school. There are two places to start, one is with your pediatrician. Make an appointment to discuss what you’re concerned about. Because your family doctor might have referrals or ways of connecting you with people who can be helpful. And the other one is to talk with your child’s teachers.”
Including with Your School System
If your child is school-aged, the intersection between health and academic milestones becomes significant. Karen said, “You don’t have to wait until the parent teacher conferences for that conversation. Send an e-mail, write a note in your child’s take home folder, or call the school and make an appointment to speak with the teacher about your concerns. Because sometimes, teachers have a lot of kids in their classroom, and they may not see everything that your child is dealing with.”
Release Yourself from the Stress of Silence
Your perspectives, observations and instincts are always relevant. Especially when it comes to your kids. Karen explained, “They may see your child in the classroom looking like they’re paying attention but not see that the 15-minute homework assignment took your child two hours. That’s a disconnect that could indicate there’s a difference in processing. And if you don’t convey that information to the teachers, they won’t know. All they see is that the homework was done, it looks good, and your child is sitting there in class eager to learn something new for the day. But they don’t know what happened behind the scenes.”
Consider Formal Assessments
When we accumulate evidence about our children’s needs without any support or process, it only adds mental load and stress. You can enlist support from multiple sources, including in many cases the school system.
Karen said, “Your child’s teacher may not know that a tutor comes in and works with your child to get that assignment done. And that’s information teachers need because then they can partner with you and are better equipped to figure out what the next steps are. Sometimes the next step is asking the for an assessment to figure out if your concerns are valid.”
Get More Help at Home Too
Although finding the right experts eases the strain, the workload is still significant to support kids who need different things at school or in life. We can’t outsource everything so, if you’re partnered, and it’s possible to involve them, revisit and reassign logistics. Like the research, homework support, transportation to specialists, tutors or ongoing care. A lot of the anxiety, depression and burnout we face comes from having to shoulder a way-too-heavy workload solo.
Update Your Self-Care Strategies
As Karen shared in part one from our interview, layer your self-care and start with a good night’s sleep. She said, “For example, I know when I need sleep plus mindfulness, or sleep plus a walk around the block. So, that comes back to following your intuition and knowing what it is that you need. We need exercise, good nutrition, good sleep and yes, mindfulness is right there too. But we may not be doing them all at the same time or at the levels we need to.”
And Celebrate Strengths and Progress
Tap into every opportunity to find and maintain joy on this journey. Whether that’s from time with your besties, professional network, family members, or creative pursuits. Resist the urge to try and get “everything done” because not only is it impossible, it will probably make you angry. Allocate time everyday, even if it’s imperfect for what fuels you and celebrate your accomplishments.
It also improves your outlook to focus on your child’s superpowers. Karen said, “something for parents who are raising kids who learn and think differently to keep in mind, is that neurodiversity is a spectrum and it’s not a deficit. Sometimes you get so bogged down by what your child struggles with that you don’t pay attention to their gifts and talents. And it’s so important to be able to lean into those strengths because that helps their confidence, resilience and self-concept.”
Dive Deeper on Our Upcoming Webinar
🧘🏽♀️Join us LIVE on October 28h at 1:00 pm ET for our webinar and Q&A: Caring for Yourself While Caring for Neurodivergent Kids
Many thanks to the talented Dr. Karen Wilson!
Learn more about her work on her website, and check out her insightful podcast, Different Thinking, Different Learning. And follow her great adventure on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram,
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About Dr. Karen Wilson:
Dr. Wilson is a Clinical Neuropsychologist and the Director of West LA Neuropsychology, PC. She specializes in the assessment of neurodevelopmental disorders in children and adolescents, and has extensive experience evaluating children, adolescents and young adults who present with learning, processing, or social-emotional challenges. As a clinician, her goal is to use her in-depth understanding of brain-behavior relationships to help identify the causes of difficulties individuals are experiencing, and she utilizes comprehensive and evidence-based approaches to determine one’s unique neurocognitive profile, which includes the identification of strengths and weaknesses, in order to help her develop a treatment plan tailored to each child, adolescent or young adult.
She is also the founder of ChildNEXUS, an all-inclusive education and mental healthcare service industry marketplace. ChildNEXUS connects parents whose children struggle with learning or social-emotional challenges with professionals who provide psychological, medical, legal, and educational support services. In addition to supporting families, we provide the professionals in our community with workshops, virtual roundtables, meetups, and collaboration opportunities.
