Home » Self Care & Wellness » How to Show Yourself Some Love When Nothing’s Really Normal

“Sometimes life is like Instagram, where what you see externally, is likely not the truth. There are probably a number of filters over what’s actually happening. So, if someone looks like they have it all together, they’re putting in a lot of effort to make it look like that. I know very few people who can walk around and say things are great,” said Dr. Nicole Christian Brathwaite, Clinical Psychiatrist, Entrepreneur and Health Equity Activist.

Keeping schedules that look like constellation charts and doing all the things without support, was the pre-Covid norm. But now, many Moms have surpassed their emotional and physical limits. Although a lot broke in the pandemic, like the fragile child and eldercare systems, there are some positive changes. Including the rise in mental health awareness and new ways to support it.

So, how do we end the rituals of self-sacrifice and normalize self-love, in the form of more self-care? It all starts with how we think. And feel. So, now is the time to tap into or expand your mental health support.

Not Everyone Has Moved On

In-office time, travel and activities are back so, it seems like everyone is moving on. But our research shows, few Moms feel grounded. And wonder why they can’t ‘get past this’ even though support for how we live isn’t much better. Social media, expectations from work and family, can make us feel like we’re never doing enough. Nicole said, “I remember seeing a meme the other day that basically said, ‘your accomplishment is that you made it to 2023.’ That in itself, is an accomplishment. So, reward yourself and acknowledge that you did that. We have to be careful not to compare our life course and goals with others. Sometimes my goal for the day is to get in bed by 10:00 PM and I feel successful if I’ve met that goal.” How can we reframe the internal pressure?

So, Create Reasonable Goals for Yourself

Nicole explains, “Individualize this experience. What is success for you? And it’s even those small successes like, ‘I’m not going to raise my voice at my children today. That’s what I’m going to try no matter what they do.’ There is no normal. No one has gotten back to normal or feels fully successful. It’s just not true and so, be aware of that. And frankly lower your expectations. Because life and the world is stressful. You don’t need to become the president of a company by tomorrow. Maybe there were goals you set for yourself five years ago, but you didn’t know about Covid then. So, we have to readjust.”

And Consider The Range of Mental Health Options

You may have heard that there are “no mental healthcare” professionals left. It’s true, wait lists have always been unbearably long and now, in many practices they’re longer. Particularly for children’s therapists. But the rise of virtual medicine and employer support, means there are new options. And alternative approaches. Nicole said, “I fully support practices that are not solely Western medicine if they’re safe. One thing I discourage patients from doing is taking things if they’re not clear about what they are.”

But Make Sure They’re Safe and Effective

Nicole explained, “People recognize that everyone’s looking for alternatives. So, be aware many alternatives pop up that are not evidence based or useful. For example, the FDA considers over-the-counter vitamins food. So, there’s no there’s no regulation in the way there is for medications. St. John’s Wort is a really common example. Sometimes they’ll even sell lithium over-the-counter, which is a mineral based medication used for mood stabilization. Even though it’s a smaller dose, that can still have a negative impact on your body and interact negatively with your medications. So, I discourage adding more than just the basic vitamins.”

So speak with your doctor when considering substitutes for medications. She added, “Also avoid anything that puts a big financial strain onto you because that’s probably not helpful. I had a patient consider a retreat that was $5,000 for three days. That’s a huge financial commitment! So, look at the return on the investment to decide if it’s worth it. It wasn’t for her, there were many other ways she could spend that money to focus on wellness and mental health.”

Including Mindfulness and Relaxation Practices

There are other options to improve your well-being, including practices, you can fit into your routine. “There are many mindfulness and meditation apps. Including a few that are specifically geared towards people of color. And you can build your own practice to express gratefulness. I know it seems silly, but listing what you’re grateful for on a daily basis, shifts your focus. So, rather than going to bed and perseverating on all things that happened and then waking up with those same thoughts on your mind. If you force yourself to identify what you’re grateful for, you probably will sleep better. Because it changes where your mind goes. And acupuncture, massage and exercise have also been shown to be very helpful.” How effective are these options?

If you Haven’t, Consider Therapy Even if It’s Virtual

Nicole explains, “So among the things that do help, is the standard of getting therapy. So, even if you’re not 100% depressed and still functioning. Or among what is sometimes called, ‘the worried well’ everyone deserves space dedicated to them. You deserve the opportunity to have someone whose sole interest is you and that time is yours. So, everything that I’m mentioning would be in addition to engaging in regular therapy.”

She was an early pioneer to telehealth because one of the many barriers to therapy, has been physical location and cost. Post-pandemic, virtual options continue to increase. “Many of the same principles apply. You have to feel safe and comfortable. And feel that the individual on the other side hears you, accepts you, and is not judging you. So, that interpersonal connection still needs to be there.”

But Ensure the Connection Feels Right

Most of us have had enough remote experience in the past few years to read even the virtual room. Nicole said, “I’ve had patients who swear up and down their therapist was playing a video game when they were talking! But many therapists and psychiatrists have gotten better at their web-side manner. Like knowing to look into the camera and use upper body language, to show engagement. So, make sure that they’re ‘there’ with you and present.”

Find a Physical Space that Works

Nicole said, “If you can do an hour-long lunch, then consider finding a private, secure place at work. It may be easier than going home and trying to keep your kids out of your room. Or prevent family members from hearing what you’re discussing. But you can choose the environment that feels safe for you. And that’s a benefit of the flexibility and accessibility of telehealth.”

Therapy tends to challenge your thinking and stretch your perspectives, in a good way. So, depending on your focus, it may stir up emotions that make it hard to reengage with work directly afterwards. So, choose your time and environment accordingly.

And Monitor Your Ongoing Progress

Although therapy is often considered the holy grail for mental health support, it’s rarely a quick fix. So, how do you know that you’re making progress? Nicole said, “Your therapist should create a treatment plan when you start working together that lists two or three goals you have. And depending on the modality of therapy, that result can come in six months, or it may take a year or more. But the treatment plan keeps everyone accountable. And reminds you what those goals are. Usually, a therapist will reevaluate the treatment plan twice a year. So, you’ll discuss ‘have we gotten close to these goals? Or do we have new goals?’ six months in.”

Become More Aware of Your Feelings

Nicole said, “Also think about, ‘what does better look like for me and how do I know?’ For some people, depression has been an ever-present burden. And they don’t necessarily know what better looks like. So, consider identifying concrete changes, like an improvement in your appetite or sleep.” She added, “Realize that depression just going away in a matter of months may not happen, it’s often incremental. But a family member may be able to notice if there’s increased isolation or irritability. Usually, other people see those things before we do. So, if you can, also rely on those supports around you.”

And Commit to Yourself

Most of us are feeling beyond stretched. So, let’s commit to caring for ourselves, beginning with our mental health. And as Nicole explained, it can start with enlisting help from your close friends or family. “We tend to isolate when we’re struggling so, find social outlets and people that you can trust. Maybe it’s people who have a shared history or life experience that’s similar to yours. But it’s whereever you feel safe having that conversation.”

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Many thanks to the talented Dr. Nicole Christian Brathwaite!

Follow Nicole’s great adventure on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and visit her Website.

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Dr. Nicole Christian-Brathwaite, MD is a Board Certified Adult and Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist. She has significant clinical experience with adults, children, adolescents, transitional and college aged youth. After graduating from University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, she joined the Adult Psychiatry Residency Program and then completed fellowship in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship at Massachusetts General/Mclean Hospital. She is the Head of Clinical and Medical Strategy for Headway. She is also the Founder of Well Minds Psychiatry and the Co-Founder of SecureMeLink, a safety app to support the health and safety of clinicians and medical staff.

Nicole regularly provides radio interviews and speaks to the community about mental health and wellness, particularly in African American communities. Dr. Christian-Brathwaite is a member of the Advisory Board for the Post Partum Depression Fund of Massachusetts. Dr. Nicole Christian-Brathwaite is a member of the Board of Directors for Families for Depression Awareness and servers as Clinical Consultant to Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Sciences, Lesley University, William James College, Massachusetts School Administrators Association and numerous other public and private schools and universities.