“Rest and sleep are different. If you find that you’re just resting at night and not actually sleeping, that’s a problem because sleep is totally different for the body. And make time to rest during the day because otherwise, you’re often too keyed up for your brain to rest at night. A lot of times women report they feel, ‘tired but wired’ so, we don’t want to, ‘go, go, go’ all day and then try to crash at night,” said Dr. Shelby Harris, Author, Licensed Psychologist and Behavioral Sleep Doctor.
Even the most health conscious among us ignore sleep advice. You know, like getting seven to nine hours of it each night. According to the Centers for Disease Control, about 1 in 3 adults in the US reports not getting enough rest or sleep. Why do we dismiss this critical link to our health so often?
Well, it’s tricky for Moms in part because there’s sleep disruption from parenting, in pregnancy, postpartum and during menopause. In addition to many other factors, as Shelby shared in part one from our interview. And in our stay-busy-culture, we’re encouraged to ‘do’ things, like move more or eat healthier. versus ‘not do’ things. And sleep is the opposite of powering through. But there are realistic ways to adjust routines to incorporate rest.
Rest Does not Equal Sleep
Many of us use the terms rest and sleep interchangeably. Because for Moms, achieving either is difficult. Most (64%) in the latest wave of our research study want to make more sleep part of their self-care routine. But as Shelby explains, it helps to understand the difference. “Rest is just a period of not moving and quieting the brain. It’s a moment of stillness when we’re not multitasking. But sleep is where you don’t have any conscious awareness, and that’s totally different. And the different stages of sleep are restorative and repair the body.”
Your Brain Needs Time to Pause
Shelby said, “If you have family demands at night, like taking care of kids and getting dinner on the table, it’s hard to find that luxurious hour to wind down everyone talks about. But you have to dim your brain in order to go to sleep at night. You can’t just keep, going. A lot of times you might fall asleep okay. Then in the middle of the night if your kid comes in and because you’ve slept for a few hours, you wake up with all the same stuff on your brain.” Right. What happens when there’s too little time to unwind at night?
And Stable Sleep and Wake Times
Shelby said, “Find whatever amount of time you can, to put some buffer between the day and night. I’d rather you start with five minutes consistently, than aiming for a half hour, and having it happen sporadically. Sleep does not have an on/off switch. Getting yourself, and your family, on a consistent schedule for sleep and wake times, is the most important thing"
That consistency can be difficult. Because most of us have unpredictable schedules and just having kids disrupts sleep. She explained, “When I say consistency, ideally, it’s within an hour of the same time. So, on the weekend if you want an extra hour of sleep, that’s fine. But sleeping in too much is going to make it harder to fall asleep and stay asleep the next day.”
Even if Your Schedule Isn?t
Shelby explained, “When patients have to go into the office and commute two or three days a week, because they work from home the other days, having inconsistent wake times can make it harder to sleep.” Between hybrid work, the school calendar, travel, and days off, anything can shift your routine. “Because if you sleep two hours later one day, and then try to go to bed that night two hours earlier in order to get up early the next day, it becomes more challenging.”
So, Build a Wind Down Routine
“Start with a consistent bedtime and then work backwards from there. It can be five or 10 minutes, whatever you can do that’s a consistent wind down routine, ideally without screens,” Shelby said. “Sometimes patients will say, ‘oh, I make lunches for the next for the next day and that’s my wind down routine.’ But you want to have some buffer that’s relaxing for you. And not work, school, or related to everything else you have to do.” We’re socialized to prioritize others in our home and even the objects, like our countertops, over our health. But it’s not sustainable.
And Fiercely Protect Your Boundaries
Shelby said, “I know that Dr. Pooja Lakshmin talks about prioritization and boundaries a lot. For example, you can decide ‘I will not be answering texts and calls from people unless they’re 100% urgent after X time.’ And let people know you’re protecting this time for yourself.”
Amen! I learned about Shelby’s work from Pooja and boundaries are critical. She added, “In my book, I shared how I used to love having a clean sink every night before I went to bed. So, sometimes I have to just be okay with a sink full of dishes. You can prioritize a wind down as important. Knowing what you can do and what has to get done, versus what you think you should do, or want to do, is a game changer.”
Beware of Momsomnia
Shelby said, “I ask patients to give me just two weeks where we try to increase their total sleep time. I have a baseline of how much sleep they’re getting most nights. And if there’s no external factor like a kid waking them, or an underlying medical condition, they’re often spending time on their phone doom scrolling too late. What my friends and I used to call, ‘Momsomnia’ is now known as revenge bedtime procrastination.”
It’s true, we can get a little rebellious with our time at night. She added, “Moms think, ‘I don’t have to do anything for anyone else so I’m just going to watch Bravo TV on my phone for three extra hours.’ We all do it. But I ask them to commit for two weeks to giving a half or an hour more to sleep.”
To Disrupt the Pattern
Shelby has seen the turnaround many times when patients commit to a new sleep routine. “I encourage people to set a timer as a reminder to start their wind down. When it goes off, you know it’s time for bed. In two weeks, you will probably start noticing that you get more sleep at night. And then you’re not spinning your wheels as much during the day. Because you are not as tired, and become more efficient in your daily life. Which then helps to allow for more sleep time at night.” Brilliant!
And Find Your Why to Get More Sleep
Shelby explained that there are many medical conditions that lead to sleep issues. So, if changing your routine isn’t effective, talk to your doctor or an expert in sleep medicine. “Sleep apnea and restless leg syndrome get missed all the time and you may need to have a sleep study, which can often be done at home, versus in a lab.”
Although lack of sleep for Moms is normalized in our culture, it harms our quality of life and health. When it comes to changing how you sleep she added, “If you don’t break the cycle somewhere, it’s never going to get broken. You have to ask yourself, ‘what’s my why?’ It may be, ‘so that I can be more present for my kids.’ Or ‘so I can have a healthier life long-term.’ It helps to put a label on it.”
Many thanks to the talented Dr. Shelby Harris!
Check out her amazing book, “The Woman’s Guide to Overcoming Insomnia” and follow her great adventure on her website, Instagram, TikTok and LinkedIn.
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About Shelby:
Dr. Shelby Harris PsyD, DBSM is a clinical psychologist and sleep specialist in private practice in NY. She is board certified in Behavioral Sleep Medicine and treats a wide variety of sleep, anxiety and depression issues using evidence-based non-medication treatments. Her self-help book The Women’s Guide to Overcoming Insomnia was published in 2019 by W.W. Norton Books. Dr. Harris holds an academic appointment as Clinical Associate Professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in Neurology and Psychiatry.
Before going into private practice she was the longstanding director of the Behavioral Sleep Medicine Program at the Sleep-Wake Disorders Center at Montefiore Medical Center in NYC. In addition to her clinical work, Dr. Harris is the Director of Sleep Health for Sleepopolis.com.
Dr. Harris has been an invited columnist for the New York Times, and is frequently in the media including the New Yorker, Washington Post, CBS Mornings, Today Show, Good Morning America and The Drew Barrymore Show. Dr. Harris can be found on Instagram at @SleepDocShelby where she provides evidence-based information about sleep wellness and sleep disorders.
