Build Stronger Bonds with Better Conversations About Hormonal Changes

“Healing begins with conversation. Each time we speak openly about our bodies we chip away at generational silence. And each time we say self-care is not selfish, we model empowerment for those coming after us,” said Dr. Nyia Noel, OB/GYN, Assistant Professor and Medical Director.

If any of your kids are aged ten or older, did you expect the angst of tween and teen parenting? Many of us are conditioned to believe when they can bathe themselves the hard part “ends” and the rest will be “smooth” of course, that’s pure fantasy. Their needs are more nuanced as they enter adolescence. Often, it’s when we’re navigating perimenopause and increased career pressure so, everyone is extra cranky.

If you’re raising girls, you may have additional concerns because our own triumphs and traumas from adolescence can influence how we parent. The good news? You don’t have to do any of this alone, there are incredible experts and resources to make this phase feel less fraught.

Puberty is Not Just About our Kids

Last weekend, I joined a Boston Medical Center screening for the documentary film, Me Period. Although my son is already a teen I’ll admit I’m more nervous about planning for when my daughter reaches that stage. So, I went in with an agenda to pregame her adolescence before it hits.

What I didn’t expect, however was how the film and lively conversation afterward, was also about something much bigger. Our own worries, hopes and dreams as mothers. The film really tackles it all, head on.

Break Generational Stigma About Women’s Health

A lot of us were taught not to speak about our bodies, hormones or needs, and especially not about our monthly cycles. Unfortunately, this silence persists through our most significant physical, emotional and hormonal changes. I’m not only talking about trying to conceive or pregnancy where we generally receive more information.

Did anyone prepare you for how it really feels after giving birth? Ditto for menopause or other health challenges unique to women. Lisa Cunningham, the Filmmaker and an Executive from the Black Women’s Health Imperative said, “How would we show up for ourselves differently later in life, if we had awareness of these things early, during the adolescent stage?”

Be Patient with Yourself When You’re Overwhelmed

While going through or own hormonal shifts, like perimenopause or menopause, tensions can run high. I asked my friend and colleague, Psychologist and Author of The Black Therapists Guide to Private Practice, Dr. Charmain Jackman, PhD how to manage the guilt and rebuild trust if we say the wrong thing to our kids in the moment? She nodded and said, “When you go through your own hormonal changes sometimes, the emotions will catch you by surprise.” Yes indeed.

She added, “As parents it helps to model an apology and acknowledge what you did. Then take steps to explain what you could have done differently. Don’t expect them to respond in the moment and say, ‘oh mom thank you so much!’ You might get a head nod. And they may hold onto hurt feelings for a bit longer so, it’s important for us to model coming back to revisit the discussion. It teaches them how to handle tough situations. Modeling conflict resolution, is an important part of building emotional intelligence.”

If You Can, Talk With Women in Your Family

If you are fortunate to have access to your mother, aunts or grandmother, ask them about their journeys. You can get more support and uncover important family medical history. The film covers a wide range of important topics beyond just periods. Beautiful intergenerational conversations are core throughout. Trigger warning, one part of the film also tackles an emotional discussion about violence against girls and trauma followed by a debrief with a therapist. It’s one of many reasons we need to end stigma and shame. They also bring in expertise from doctors and clinicians about when specific symptoms, mental or physical can signal something serious. In the film Dr. Charis Chambers, MD, OB/GYN aka ‘The Period Doctor’ said, “If everyone in your circle has endometriosis and abnormal periods, then you will think that’s normal.”

Know When to Seek Expert Help

What is normal? It’s a question we often have in our daily health journeys. I asked, Dr. Kirsten Adams, MD, OB/GYN about this at BMC’s “Ask a Doctor” table. She said, “If there’s pain every single month that doesn’t allow your daughter to enjoy daily life like going to practices or school, then it’s time to see a doctor.”

The film openly tackles conditions like fibroids and endometriosis which affect millions of women. However, they disproportionately impact the Black community and women of color earlier in life and often create severe pain, discomfort, and in some cases complications like infertility. If your daughter has very heavy periods and pain, Dr. Josie Valcin, MD OB/GYN said, “The first stop is to see your pediatrician. But if your child can’t function each month and their mood swings or symptoms are severe, then it’s time to seek an OB/GYN.”

Get Specific With Answers and Find Resources to Help

One of the many gifts from attending this event was listening to the dozens of questions from the girls about the mechanics. Like, how do period products work? How do you know that you’re entering this phase of life? Basically, if you have a tween or teen no detail is too small to cover and it’s not a conversation you need to have in one sitting.

The website for the film has incredible resources. Including the ability to watch the film itself. You can get a lot of vetted information, but don’t feel like you have to interpret everything on your own. There are incredible experts doing this important work to help us navigate. Nyia said, “…Community leaders have such a crucial role to ensure young people have the knowledge, language and confidence to advocate for their bodies and their own wellbeing.”

Build Confidence, Agency and Connection

Our children are facing stressors most of us didn’t experience. The emotional territory is new for everyone so, build that bridge with ongoing dialog from a place of curiosity and compassion. Keep the conversations open as a family. As stated in the film, by Charis said, “…we need to talk to our sons and our partners, because family work is everyone’s work. Even though it’s traditionally been women’s work.”

We can help dial down the stress and reactivity, that is often a byproduct of hormonal changes. Let’s face and name the fears. Build community with other moms, parents and families. Seek those family stories from previous generations and find the experts to help you and your family navigate your needs as they evolve.