“Every time I walk by and see laundry in the basket, I have to resist the urge to put it away because it’s my kid’s duty. And it’s very frustrating to have kids whose chores are not on their radar. They just don’t see that laundry sitting in the hallway they’ve walked past many, many times. So, often it’s still up to me to come back and supervise or try to remind them,” said Dr. Caroline Danda Clinical Psychologist, Author and Entrepreneur.
In most families, Moms carry the bulk of the mental load for childcare and household work. It’s that always-on, cognitive labor to remember, notice and plan strategically. Like making sure swimsuits are packed, and doctors’ visits are scheduled.
When we carry the mental load for our kids, it’s usually expected and age appropriate as we teach them to become independent. After all, even when they can do their own homework, they may not remember consistently. But all the chore charts, stickers, and positive praise in the world does not cover the burden of reminding. Or stress of running operations for a family. So, how much of the mental load for our kids can we realistically let go of?
Upskilling Your Kids is not Like Training Adults
The workplace is full of emotional labor for women. If you’ve had to train or manage people professionally, you’ve likely also carried some mental load for another person’s role. But unlike raising kids, it’s typically less fraught and hopefully, temporary.
Although if you’re blessed with healthy children, they will continue to become more self-sufficient. But the process may not be rapid or linear. This is why sharing the household with your partner, if you have one and it’s feasible, tends to be the faster path to some relief. “I couldn’t resist asking Caroline, a clinical psychologist focused on kids, how much time is realistic for them to own age-appropriate tasks? She laughed and gave the response all good therapists give to broad questions, “it depends.”
So, Try to Be Patient Through This Process
Whether it’s doing dishes or organizing backpacks, if you’ve tried to assign what seem like simple tasks to your kids, yet still need to intervene, don’t panic. Caroline said, “You could have multiple kids, and some are like, ‘tell me what to do and I will do it.’ There are kids that do really well with that structure. They take initiative and are almost born to help. Then there are other kids that get more lost in their own world, and just don’t see what needs to be done.”
Learn to Scaffold Responsibilities
Caroline explained, “I like to approach things from a scaffolding perspective. If you say, ‘okay, you need to do the laundry I’ll show you how do it now’ that’s probably overkill for most kids. But if you can get them involved in any one step of the laundry, then you’re one step closer to having them do the laundry.”
Scaffolding is a term used in education. Because it involves teaching skills in gradual stages, while providing a lot of support. She explained, “Maybe the first step is just making sure they put their clothes in the hamper. And if they’re not say, ‘hey it’s time to go gather all of your clothes to make sure they’re in the hamper.’ As a parent you have to let go of perfection. Your kids are not going to do it the way you do it.”
Neurodivergent Kids Will Need More Support
If you’re waiting for teens to catch up, remember, the part of the brain responsible for executive functioning, the prefrontal cortex, doesn’t fully develop until around age 25. However, many of us have kids who are also neurodiverse, have special needs or other learning differences. So, how can we hold them accountable for growth and stay realistic about their momentum?
Caroline said, “If you have a kid with ADHD, on the autism spectrum or has other conditions that bring challenges, monitor your expectations. For example, they say that the executive functioning of a child with ADHD is about three years behind their peers. And even if it’s three years behind, sometimes it still isn’t really on point. So, they may need more scaffolding or supervision.”
Create Systems That Work for Your Family
Experiment until you find what suits your circumstances. Caroline said, “Back to my laundry example, I ended up putting shelves in the laundry room when my children were younger. I just folded the clothes and put them on shelves, the kids would come down and get their clothes from there.”
You can also try using windows of time or anchor chores to other family routines. She said, “A lot of neurodivergent kids do better with more structure. For example, allocate 15 minutes of cleanup after dinner to make sure they’re ready for the next day.”
And Evolve Them as Your Kids Grow
Caroline’s kids are now teens and she evolved how the laundry worked as their capacity increased. “Eventually, instead of sorting by lights and darks and having the family’s clothes together, I decided every child’s going to have their own basket. Partially out of necessity because I have three boys that were born within five years of each other. So, I didn’t want to sort laundry. And when their clothes were in one place, it became easier for them.”
You Cannot Oversee the Systems Solo
Some of us are systems thinkers and fall in love with the idea of unshakable structures. Or we’re taught by our family of origin or culture there’s a specific ‘way’ to make it all happen. But the family is an ever-changing ecosystem. So, as you probably already know, not every system will work. Caroline explained, “You may have a great system but if it doesn’t really work for everybody in the family you will fail. Because as a parent, you can’t be the only one in charge of that system.”
So, if Partnered, Involve Your Partner
In most families for Moms partnered with Dads, they still do at least twice as much household work and the invisible planning that comes with it.
Caroline said, “In a perfect world, you and your partner are having conversations about it. Take 5 or 10 minutes once a week, or every other week, to check in on each other, discuss how are things going and make sure that you ask for what you need. And that you’re working in a way that plays to each other’s strengths.”
Prioritize Your Preferred Outcomes
Caroline said, “Decide what battles are worth fighting. For example, ‘maybe I don’t need the dishes done every night.’ Or ‘I can let go of having dishes in the sink.’ Because even if it’s not my preference, but buys me something else, maybe that’s okay.”
Although it’s maddening to be accountable for things you can’t control, we only have influence over others. She added, “So, it’s about negotiating and prioritizing together. Before making ultimatums or just throwing something out there. Ideally you can get on board with your significant other or other parent if there is one.”
Enlist As Much Support as Possible
Caroline explained, “You can work with the kids and then tell your spouse or other caregivers later. For example, ‘Hey it’s really important for you to do this.’ But sometimes you then have to supervise people who do it differently. Whether it’s your partner or a grandparent. So, it’s really about prioritizing what’s most important at any given time. And not trying to do it all at once.”
The ages, and independence of your children and other adults in your life, will determine what’s possible for you. For example, toddlers and teens are quite different. As are people navigating disabilities or mental health conditions.
Remember, Parenting IS the Long Game
Many of us are exhausted from having too much responsibility. So, just the idea of upskilling our kids can seem like the holy grail. But Caroline explains this part of the parenting process usually isn’t fast. “We actually have an inordinate amount of time, relative to other mammals, to raise our kids. So, even when there are big challenges or it doesn’t feel like they’re doing what they need to be doing, that’s not an indicator that they’re going to become a serial killer. It’s a long haul. And if we have a lot of anxiety about how we’re parenting, then we communicate that anxiety to the kids.”
And It’s Not Always About Us
Caroline said, “Our kids are not a reflection of who we are as people. I think we’re all worried about being judged but have to separate that out. Our kids cannot be what defines us. We do the best we can and then we adapt.” Why yes, it’s very difficult to overcome our own stressors and worries at each stage of their lives. We want our kids to be healthy and happy. But while teaching them how, it’s critical to care for your own mental health, happiness and growth.
Remember Caroline’s personal examples about laundry? She said, “I’ve got one kid who is on his own now. And when he went off on his own, he took care of laundry for himself. So, what they do now when they’re in your home, may not be what they do once they’re out of your home. So, even if they’re not doing all the things now, you’re planting the seeds and they’re watching.”
Many thanks to the talented Dr. Caroline Danda!
Follow her great adventure on her practice website, LinkedIn and Facebook. And learn more about resources from her business, The Invisible Riptide. You can also check them out on Facebook and Instagram.
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About Caroline:
Dr. Caroline Danda is a private practice clinical psychologist who works with children and adolescents with anxiety, depression, and other emotional or behavioral regulation problems. She loves working with children and teens who have ‘big emotions.’ And has a passion for normalizing mental and emotional well-being and helping youth and their families resolve current challenges and develop foundational skills for thriving.
She has been active in various community organizations and schools. With the onset of the pandemic, her passion for sharing information and making mental health resources accessible led to her partnering with Carron Montgomery to develop and create The Invisible Riptide book series and website. Partnering with Carron Montgomery was a natural extension of her passion, allowing her to bring her wisdom and experience outside her office to fill the gaps.
She is also a wife and a mother of three boys. Based on her experience in clinical practice, in the community, and within her own family, she has a talent for tailoring information and skills to meet the needs of individuals and their families. Her goals are to provide accessible, practical information to empower individuals and families to find out what works for them.
