Whether it?s the little pink hearts, chocolate kisses, or helping our kids make cards, it?s hard to resist the Valentine?s Day fun. But if you are partnered, and your relationship feels shaky, there aren?t enough candied hearts on the planet to ease the strain.
Nonstop marital bliss isn?t a thing. At least, not for most couples. Because relationships are tricky and require space for connection. Space that?s much harder to find while raising kids.
In our research study, coupled parents cite a heavy hit to their partnerships post-pandemic. Stress went up and the resources to cope went down. The gendered divide of labor, for Moms partnered with Dads, persists. The troubling world events, increased mental health and financial challenges, also add burden.
But the quality of our relationships matters. And it?s not just our happiness that?s at stake, but our mental and physical health. Chronic stress is corrosive. And the people we spend the most time with, especially our partners, have an outsized influence on our wellbeing. Not to mention, the ability to integrate work, life and caregiving.
So, what options do we have? Enjoy highlights from my conversations with incredible Mom experts. Doctors, researchers, and couples therapists, sharing their advice on how to renew, enhance and manage relationships.
Conflict is a Normal Part of Relationships
?Sometimes, we say things we don?t mean, that come from built up frustrations. And not always having the words to navigate this new transitional space, with your partner, when you start to butt heads. Everyone is going to have conflict. But the goal is to notice" Dr. Komal Gupta, Clinical Psychologist; from ?Stop the Spiral. Honor Your Needs When There’s Conflict in Your Marriage
So, Aim for Respectful Debate
?We brought couples into the lab and had them argue with each other. And we found that how negatively or positively, they interacted with each other, actually predicted their experience of the birth! So, prenatal couples conflict predicted stress during childbirth and the baby?s medical outcomes. Couples are such an interesting target for prevention and intervention. We?re now thinking about how to support relationship quality" Dr. Darby Saxbe, Professor and Researcher; from Moms and Dads, Is There a Better Way to Fight?
Communicate to be Heard
?We know based on research that some ways are more helpful to be heard than others. For example, not communicating in a way that feels like an attack on someone?s character. Saying something like, ?you never do the dishes and that makes me angry, implies that the other person is lazy. Or not helpful. And almost disqualifies anything else they might bring to the table.” Dr. Komal Gupta, Clinical Psychologist; from ?Stop the Spiral. Honor Your Needs When There’s Conflict in Your Marriage
Don?t Assume Your Partner?s Intent
A lack of cooperation doesn?t always mean what you might think. ?If your partner isn?t doing stuff. And you say, ?Oh my God. you want me to do all this stuff in the house and you?re not even helping" It?s not about you. Something?s going on with them. So, lets? talk about that and understand it" Dr. Carita Anderson, Psychologist and Couples Therapist; from Does Your Marriage Need to be More Agile to Flourish?
Understand the Gendered Divide in Workload is Real
?We think equality is better because we see men wearing Baby Bjorn?s? in the grocery store and think we’ve found Shangri-La. But we know that’s not true, because data tells us that women still do twice as much household work when both parties are contributing to the economy full-time. So, there’s a disconnect between perception and reality" Dr. Kate Mangino, Author, Gender Expert and Advocate; from Fight Limiting Social Norms and Get Closer as a Couple
Prepare to Negotiate and Re-Negotiate
?Marriage is about lots of things, but one central ingredient to a healthy marriage is the ability and willingness to engage in negotiations. All good marriages involve some negotiation, and constant re-negotiating of old contracts. Effective negotiation involves both partners showing up with respect for one another?s differing views and a willingness to concede something to get something" Dr. Yael Schonbrun, Clinical Psychologist, Author and Couples Therapist; from What Couples Do to Strengthen Relationships in Lockdown
Pause Before Disagreements Go Off the Rails
?It?s okay to say, ?hey I?m getting really mad and I?m starting to say things that I don?t want to say. So, we need to revisit this conversation later" Or, ?I?m too angry right now. I need some space" Instead of allowing the spiral to continue, where it starts to be about so many other things?. Dr. John Gottman has a Love Lab where he?s done a lot of research about this. And he talks about how 20 minutes is the magic number?and sometimes, that means going to bed angry? and revisiting it when you?re less tired" Dr. Komal Gupta, Clinical Psychologist; from ?Stop the Spiral. Honor Your Needs When There’s Conflict in Your Marriage
Choose the Right Time for Dialogue
?You have to be aware of whether your partner is actually open to having the conversation. Very often, people are going up to their partner, when their partner?s preoccupied or tired. Ask, ?hey are you available to talk" It?s helpful to check in with your partner first. All of this is hard. It?s never going to go like you want it to go, even 50% of the time. So, you have to keep trying" Dr. Carita Anderson, Clinical Psychologist, Couples & Sex Therapist; from How to Restore Warmth and Excitement to Your Long Term Relationship
Reframe Your Understanding of Anger
?Anger is a very quick emotion. However, it?s always a response to some flavor of vulnerability. And we are all vulnerable at this point. There are so many areas in which we feel powerless. So, people are always struggling to get through the day feeling okay about themselves" Dr. Carita Anderson, Psychologist and Couples Therapist; from Does Your Marriage Need to be More Agile to Flourish?
Remember the Joy of Touch
?Because there?s so much going on, coupled people are kind of passing each other while trying to get everything done. So, people have forgotten what it?s like to stop for a twenty second hug. They think, ?if that?s not going to lead to going to bed, why are we doing it" But they don?t understand what physical touch can do for their mind and the body" Dr. Carita Anderson, Clinical Psychologist, Couples & Sex Therapist; from How to Restore Warmth and Excitement to Your Long Term Relationship
Make Space for Your Relationship
?Couples can also practice shedding the guilt of neglecting their kids so they can tend to their relationship. After all, a healthy relationship is important for our kids and healthy relationships require care and attention. Plus, a little neglect of our kids ? not unsafe neglect, of course ? is good for them, too. So, feel free to put your kids in front of an electronic babysitter, let them be bored while you make dinner together, or allow them to sort out their fight on their own while you and your partner renegotiate who does the laundry or sneak in that extra-long hug you?ve been craving for months" Dr. Yael Schonbrun, Clinical Psychologist, Author and Couples Therapist; from What Couples Do to Strengthen Relationships in Lockdown
And Revisit Your Needs for Physical Intimacy
?(People) often imagine that sex has to be some long, drawn-out experience or really good. But it doesn?t have to be good sex, it can be good enough sex. And there?s a lot more conversation that women usually need than men do. And a lot of consent that goes into it. Couples forget about what consent actually looks and sounds like in a marriage or committed relationship" Dr. Carita Anderson, Clinical Psychologist, Couples & Sex Therapist; from How to Restore Warmth and Excitement to Your Long Term Relationship
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