?My employer could not care less about my challenges and needs"
"Because I want to stay employed"
"Of course they could say ?then quit or you?re fired since you?re not happy or productive enough? because you shared your concerns. And work you even harder than others when they know you need that little bit of money with no real raise in sight…they take advantage of your needs!?
Over 3,500 parents, mostly Moms (98%) have participated in our research study since March of 2020. When asked in our recent survey wave, ?What (if anything) keeps you from sharing your challenges and needs with your manager or employer" Perhaps not surprisingly, most believe the cost of self-advocacy is too high.
Working towards a shared vision in our careers, communities or homes can feel magical. And we?re drawn to groups for social connection, support, and safety. But when you can?t be vulnerable, it stops feeling good and we tend to mute ourselves. Especially in our professional lives, where being misunderstood or confrontational, can have serious financial consequences.
In our society, women are the heavy-weight champions of emotional labor. No one can quite ?hold it in,? ?bottle it up,? or ?redirect? hurt, anger or sadness, quite like we can. But self-muting drives chronic stress, which is not just uncomfortable, but corrosive to our health.
There?s a Real Cost to Emotional Labor
This strain, from carrying the bulk of emotional and cognitive labor at work and at home, is part of why we?re at greater risk for most stress-related illnesses. But we?re already on the wrong end of the wealth, wage, and leadership gaps. And for women of color, the numbers are even worse. So, we?re reluctant to rock the financial boat after kids. And silence can feel safer in the moment.
Although emotional labor is not exactly new, even if we understand speaking up is better for well-being, it?s very hard to do. And I had the pleasure of speaking with Elaine Lin Hering, an expert in conflict management, negotiation, and Author of the upcoming book Unlearning Silence, all about this.
You Can Renew Self-Belief
Despite Elaine?s extensive training, momentum, and career growth it took time before she felt able to share her own perspective. She said, ?I have spent my entire career building someone else’s business and so, writing the book is my own unlearning of my silence. And that comes with all of the self-doubt. And questions, like ?Am I actually good at what I do" Or ?have I only been successful and effective because I’m teaching someone else’s content" But what I?ve framed as my experiment of posting on LinkedIn has told me, this is real! I?m giving voice to the experiences that don’t often get voiced"
And (if Needed) Override Your Upbringing
We are both from immigrant families. And discussed how many of us need to reexamine our cultural programming, in addition to the unwritten professional rules. Elaine said, ?I?m in a place in my life and career of finding and not just using, my own voice. Because growing up the way that I did, as the youngest daughter in a Chinese American Christian family, you were supposed to, ?turn the other cheek? and ?be the bigger person" I’m not sure I ever believed that I had a voice" And she receives countless messages from others who can relate. ?People share their stories about how they made poor life choices because they were silenced as a kid"
To Dismantle Self-Repression
Well, gaslighting can and does happen at scale. And all of that ?good girl? programming from childhood can become self-limiting as we ascend in our careers. Elaine explained, ?There’s a force we’re all navigating that we don’t have a name for. And then we end up thinking, ?I’m the problem" When the challenge is that we have all learned silence. And the systems we live in and people around us continue to silence us"
Why is this still our default? She explained, ?We don’t talk about it and we?re in our own little silos thinking, ?it’s just me and why can’t I hack it" Or ?if I were only more compassionate, flexible, empathetic, or fill in the blank? because my colleagues are telling me I’m, ?irrational? or ?too sensitive" Human Resources (HR) might be telling me that too because HR works for the company"
Choose When to Use Your Voice in Your Work
Psychological safety at work is rare. And in our research study, less than 4% of surveyed Moms say they feel, ?comfortable asking their managers for what they need" The majority, cite fear of reprisal, or worse inaction, when they take the time to request support. Elaine said, ?I’ve always been drawn to this challenge of speaking up because my entire life. I’ve been told to speak up or speak louder! And you and I both know it’s not that easy and it’s not that safe"
Self-Advocacy Has Limits
Whether it?s with vague advice about promotions, a warped lens on your 360 feedback or inconsistent advice about your work history, managers can lose our trust quickly. Traditional guidance about career management and self-advocacy doesn?t always work in the same way for women. And if you?re also a person of color, LGBTQ+, disabled, or from other underrepresented groups, the system rarely serves you.
The Rules are Not Even for Everyone
Elaine said, ?Until recently I was the only non-white partner in a global leadership development firm. Usually when I facilitated workshops on how to have difficult conversations, it was people of color or people with other subordinated identities who came up to me afterwards and said, ?well that’s nice in theory but I could never do that with my boss." And the data supports this perception.
So, Look for Action. Does Your Management Keep Promises?
Elaine encourages us to examine the stories we hear at work. ?There are actions that either back up that story or undercut that story. ?So, for example. If you?re told that an opportunity exists to advance and you agree to the challenge, there has to be follow up to make that possibility real"
Why yes. How often have you felt like the conditions required to succeed, were unattainable? She explains that when offered a promotional path, leaders have to create the developmental space. So, you can either demonstrate or build new skills. ?If they don’t codify what success looks like, it perpetuates this hunger of having to hustle and perform to try to keep your spot"
If Not, Find Safe Spaces to Vet Ideas and Level Set
Does your workplace offer the psychological safety for you to share concerns, hopes or aspirations for your career within trusted circles? If you don?t have this at work, consider well intentioned mentors, sponsors, former colleagues, friends or even family who can objectively share feedback. About your strengths, challenges and interests. You can also seek out support from Employee Resource Groups (ERGs) if your organization is large enough to have them for parents, caregivers, or women.
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Many thanks to the talented Elaine Lin Hering!
Pre-order Elaine’s new book, Unlearning Silence, How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent and Live More Fully. And check out the pre-order goodies on her website! Follow her great adventure on LinkedIn, and Instagram.
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About Elaine:
Elaine Lin Hering a facilitator, author, and speaker. She works with organizations and individuals to build skills in communication, collaboration, and conflict management. She has worked on six continents and facilitated executive education at Harvard, Dartmouth, Tufts, UC Berkeley, and UCLA. She is the former Advanced Training Director for the Harvard Mediation Program and a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School. She has worked with coal miners at BHP Billiton, micro-finance organizers in East Africa, mental health professionals in China, and senior leadership at the US Department of Commerce. Her clients include American Express, Chevron, Google, Nike, Novartis, PayPal, Pixar, and the Red Cross. She is the author of the forthcoming book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin, 2024).
