“In the throes of a big decision you are likely to feel a lot of emotions. You might be scared, uncertain, have guilt or any number of emotions that we don’t think of as positive. And as humans, we’re really wired to avoid discomfort. Often the temptation is to rush to the other side of the decision to stop feeling those negative emotions,” said Abby Davisson, Author, Entrepreneur and Social Impact Leader.
Whether it’s quitting your job, starting a business, expanding your family, or moving to a new city, there are emotional and financial tradeoffs. Did anyone prepare you for how messy it is to combine career and family growth? Especially, in parallel with each other? Right, probably not. Although it rarely feels comfortable, we need to adjust the plan, as our lives change. But what if you can navigate options and future proof your choices with greater confidence?
Say Goodbye to Regrets
Abby co-authored Money and Love: An Intelligent Roadmap for Life’s Biggest Decisions, based on concepts she learned in her co-author Myra Strober’s graduate school class. Choices that involve love and money are inherently high stakes. But being afraid of big decisions, especially financial ones, isn’t helpful. Because women often end up on the losing end in our professional lives or senior years.
So, frameworks in the book, are designed to enlighten and embolden us. She said, “One of the things we advocate for is really slowing down the decision-making process. Because research has shown it’s more likely to help us access the deliberate thought and intentionality that leads to decisions we’re less likely to regret.”
Emotions are Not Reliable
Abby said, “It’s kind of wild that we often make these huge decisions, that affect the rest of our lives and trajectory in our careers, based on gut instinct or how we’re raised.” And whether it’s the childcare, eldercare, or healthcare we need, emotional decisions are often financial ones. Yet in our society, women are still discouraged from talking about money, which only undermines our agency.
But we don’t have to default to ‘what if’ scenario planning. Especially as our lives get more complicated. “That’s why having a framework gives people these rocks to turn over along the journey. So, they can feel more confident on the other side of the decision, regardless of how it turns out.”
But you Can Choose Wisely
Abby explained, “The ‘5 C’s’ framework is flexible, but sturdy. Meaning it can really withstand a lot of different types of decisions.” When you pause to consider the myriad of life options, and how they affect your family, it can feel dizzying. So, the consequence of tackling too many decisions at once can be paralyzing. Smart systems free us from this burden.
She encourages us not to fret over details. “Separate the outcome from whether you used a good process. Because we can’t predict how our decisions are going to turn out. But what you can control, is your process, and your approach.” Where do we begin?
And Consistently
Abby said, “The first step is to clarify what’s most important to you. Second, communicate with others who are involved in the decision and third, generate a broad range of choices. Fourth, check in with your friends, family, and trusted resources, and fifth, explore likely consequences in both the short term and long term.” The process is simple and brilliant. Why do we often find it so challenging? Abby explains one of the most common barriers is skipping that first step.
First, Get Clear About What You Want
Clarify, is the first ‘C’ for good reason. Just like mapping out a project at work or home, it’s smoother, with a defined destination. Abby said, “If you get that one right, it paves the way for all of the other ‘C’s’, but it is really challenging. It sounds somewhat simple to just clarify what’s most important to you. But the reason that that’s hard is that our wants are powerfully influenced by what other people want.” Sigh.
Untangle Your Needs from Others
Abby said, “Philosopher René Girard coined the term mimetic desire and that means that we want what other people want. So, you might be very happy renting. But if you see all of your friends start to buy their homes, you might start thinking, ‘maybe I should be looking to buy. I don’t want to be behind.’ And so the clarify step, is about detangling your wants from what your parents, society, peers and friends might suggest that you want. A lot of times what helps is identifying your core values to distill those characteristics that are unique to you.”
She suggests you pay close attention to those hot button topics that create an emotional reaction when you hear news or world events. And you can find lists of values online to guide you.
To Live Your Values
Most Moms are consumed with household, childcare and career responsibilities. And when you’re exhausted, it feels impossible to pursue new opportunities. So, how do you find space to think, not only act?
Abby said, “It is the million-dollar question. You are talking to somebody who worked on a book proposal and writing a book on the nights, weekends, and occasional days off, while I was working a full-time job and my kids were remote learning. We all have PTSD from the last three years of doing all the things! But I would argue that it’s not totally baked. If you have a partner, even if you don’t have a partner, you likely have other people in your orbit who are important to you and part of your ecosystem.”
Enlist Help
We face an identity crash when we realize, we can’t spend our time aligned to our core values, in the way we may have pre-kids. Not everyone has the same options. But whether it’s asking friends, family, paying for meal delivery, house cleaners, or getting real with your partner, we need support.
Abby realized post-kids, she wasn’t connecting with her core value, of being creative. “I can’t even tell you how many of my friends’ children have knitted items, that I knit. But my kids have nothing because by the time they came along, who had time to make all the cute hats and mittens? As we discussed, my husband took this class with me and one of the things we’ve done in our relationship is have transparent conversations about how we are dividing the housework, caregiving responsibilities, and pursuit of our goals.”
Align With Your Partner
If you are partnered, your partner is part of the solution. Childcare is hard to find and expensive. But even if you have paid childcare or household support, unless it’s round-the-clock, it’s not enough to cover your career and time for self-care.
Abby said, “There are lots of ways to discuss what it looks like. To make sure both parents, in a couple situation or even as a single parent, find others who can take some of the responsibility. Or other ways to outsource it, so that your core value, is not the very last thing to get prioritized.” Although conversations with your partner about dividing the work can be emotionally draining and time consuming, additional support at home, is an important part of making your aspirations feasible with kids.
To Prioritize Your Core Needs
Abby said, “Because so often as women, as Mothers, we give to everyone else. And then what’s left is not even the dregs, it’s like the embers at the end, that can’t hold a flame.” By shifting some obligations, suddenly you can have space for your health and growth. Done well, you will also lighten your mental load.
She added, “One of the things my partner does is all of the food. That means the food recipes, prep, shopping, and the cooking and managing what’s in our inventory. I do not have a single thing on my mental load related to food, which is amazing. It’s a huge gift and it came when our eldest was four months old and I started a new job.”
And Your Professional Growth
Abby said, “I accepted this new job a day before my older son was born. When I started, I was climbing up the learning curve of the job, while trying to continue breastfeeding my four-month-old.” The Motherhood penalty is the number one reason women are paid less and often underrepresented in leadership. So, partnership at home can transform your career options.
She added, “So, I came home and said to my husband, ‘I can’t do this. I don’t feel like I’m being a productive member of this team, all I do is pump and wash bottles and transport the milk, I just don’t know that I can do it.’ And he said, ‘Okay, you feed him, and I will feed us.’ Just him saying that shifted something in my brain. And gave me this glimmer of hope that maybe this was possible. It’s been over 10 years since that day and he’s still doing all the food.”
So, remember, there is a better way than feeling lost in indecision, guilt, or dread, as we navigate the future. Consider using this framework, to add structure and expand your possibilities.
Many thanks to the talented Abby Davisson!
Check out her amazing book Money & Love: An Intelligent Roadmap for Life’s Biggest Decisions, And follow Abby’s great adventure on her website, LinkedIn, Instagram and
🎁 You know how Moms never take time for themselves? Let’s change it. Our memberships include self-care packages + wellness support & community for Moms.
⏰ Ready to put yourself back onto your to-do list? Take a TimeCheck.
🙋🏽♀️Shared your story yet? Take our quick survey to change how workplaces support parents.
⚖️Employers, ready to rewrite hidden workplace rules? Become Allies@Work
About Abby:
Abby Davisson is an author, seasoned social innovation leader, and career development expert. She’s dedicated her career to helping others achieve their goals.
With Stanford professor emerita and labor economist Myra Strober, Abby wrote Money & Love: An Intelligent Roadmap for Life’s Biggest Decisions, a research-backed guide to making the choices that matter most. The book contains data, stories, and a flexible framework to help people navigate high-stakes choices when money and love are involved (hint: that’s all the big ones in life).
Abby spent nearly a decade driving social impact at global retailer Gap Inc., most recently as President of the Gap Foundation and a senior leader on the Environmental, Social, & Governance (ESG) team. She also co-founded the company’s employee resource group for parents, which has been featured as a best practice for how employers can support dual-career couples.
Her expertise in career development comes from serving as an alumni career advisor and coach at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business as well as from forging her own non-traditional career path (across the public, private, and non-profit sectors). Her professional experience also includes strategy roles at Net Impact, Tipping Point Community, the NYC Department of Education, and The Bridgespan Group.
Abby has a BA from Yale and an MBA and MA in Education from Stanford University. She lives with her husband Ross and two sons in San Francisco, where she remains in relentless pursuit of the best-tasting dark chocolate.
