“Have conversations to figure out where you’re both coming from. Say, ‘I’m with you in this and we’re a team. These are my life experiences. What are yours?’ Because money is one of the top three stressors. And it’s also one of the main reasons why people get divorced,” said Aja Evans, Financial Therapist, Author, and Entrepreneur.
Many are feeling emotionally and financially depleted by the past 4 years. And between mass layoffs and rising costs of everything, including medical, child and elder care, the financial pressure is on. But even when you know things are off the financial rails, change can be difficult. And if you’re coupled, it can feel draining to renegotiate the budget with your partner.
But what if there was another way? Instead of worrying about numbers, treat financial problems like other emotional ones. Financial wellness has a huge impact on our overall wellbeing. And if you share a tax return with someone, you already know there are limits to how much financial freedom you really have. So, Aja specializes in these conversations that lie at the intersection of financial and mental health.
Communicate Openly an Often About Values
Aja often works with couples to help them navigate money in a healthier way. She said, “Think about your values and what’s important to you, then about what you want to accomplish as a couple and family. Be really open in those conversations, ‘Honey, this is what’s important to me and what I want to accomplish. What do you want to accomplish financially?’ If possible, do it before you get married and throughout the marriage.”
And Your Financial Boundaries
Although a lot of savings and investments, like retirement, can be automated It’s rare when you can fully set and forget financial operations. So, Aja recommends being proactive. “If there are problems, catching it early is always going to be helpful. For some people that means, ‘hey do we need to talk about spending parameters?’ Or, ‘if you are spending over $200 then we both need to be okay with it.’ This can also mean having an agreed upon budget with how much money you’re able to spend in each category.”
Remain Involved in Your Finances
Aja said, “Statistically, we know that women tend to live longer and are typically more impacted financially. Whether it’s from divorce or the death of the spouse. So, it’s really important that women are involved with money. You need to communicate about it regularly with your partner to know where it is and where it’s coming from.”
She added, “The system I currently use with my husband is that we have one joint account, but we each have our own separate checking accounts.” Life is too demanding not to have some systems in place. And there are many ways to keep on top of your financial life, and deal with the stickiness of joint decision making.
Find Tracking That Works for You
Reviewing all of your accounts and then deciding what to do with them, can be complicated. So, how can we make it less painful? Aja said, “It truly makes no difference to me how you’re tracking your money and spending. So, if you’re into apps, and like the data and information that it’s going to spit back at you, then in general an app is probably going to be better for you. It can give you the percentages and breakdowns in the way that you want.”
Choose a Method That Suits Your Style
Aja said, “If you are an excel person and like to create the formulas, great. If you’re a pen and paper person, then then use that. It does not matter what the system is, as long as you are going to use it. And give yourself grace when you’re trying to find the system that works, because it will take some trial and error.”
She explained, “For example, I bought a beautiful planner, and I thought I loved it so much, but I don’t use it. Okay, that’s fine, on to the next one. Let’s try a different method.”
Check Frequently Enough to Be Proactive
How often should you look at your overall financial picture? Aja explains there’s some variability. “If you’re concerned about what your partner is doing financially, or what your financial life is like, then going over your expenses daily is a smart idea. But if you are feeling like, ‘hey I just want a general grasp of what our financial picture looks like so, we’re on top of things’ then monthly is totally fine.”
She explains what you need will change with your goals. “If it’s, ‘hey we have some things coming up and we’re trying to pay off debt’ then looking at it weekly is appropriate. So, it really does depend on how comfortable you feel about your current role and money situation.”
Maintain Your Financial Boundaries
Money, like all things marriage, means having candid conversations. Aja said, “If you find that either person continues to push against boundaries, and you’re not on the same page, then you need to decide what you’re going to do. And ask your partner ‘do you know that this feels really bad to me? or what’s going on for you, that you feel like you want to spend more money, when it impacts both of us?'”
Get Curious About Any Disconnects
If you’re not on the same financial page, Aja wisely reminds us to try to understand what’s behind the behavior. “Ask your partner, ‘hey, what’s going on for you that you’re so mad at my spending?’ It might be that your partner feels like their security is in jeopardy. So, having those conversations, from an honest place turns this into a very different conversation.”
Set Limits to Protect Yourself
What happens when your partner is not responsive, or incapable of working in concert with you? Aja said, if you hear, ‘I don’t care’ or steamrolling your boundaries becomes a pattern, then you might need to have to have a separate conversation. For example, “how are we going to remain jointed if you continue to do these things with our money?”
And Maintain Your Own ‘Rainy Day’ Savings
If you shy away from anything related to finances, there are good reasons. Not only is it emotional, depending on your background with money. It’s time consuming to manage. And historically, there’s been a gendered divide to financial responsibilities. So, many of us grew up seeing our Dads in the lead with money, because women couldn’t have their own credit cards or mortgages until 1974.
So, get comfortable with having the discussions and thinking about your short and long term needs. Aja said, “Have your own savings account with some money in it. It does not need to be all the money in the world, and I’m not saying hide money from your spouse, I am just saying that you need to have a little safety net.”
To Exercise Your Financial Power
Money isn’t really about the money. As Aja explained, it provides you with more choices. “If the worst-case scenario happens, you have some money to be able to make sure you’re safe. Whether that’s physical safety, or just financial safety. For example, if you have to move, or something else comes up, have a small pool of money to make sure that you can take care of yourself, for a period of time.”
Many thanks to the talented Aja Evans!
Learn more about Aja’s financial therapy practice and check out her new book, Feel Good Finance. Follow her great adventure on Instagram and LinkedIn.
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About Aja:
Aja Evans is a board certified therapist, speaker, and consultant specializing in financial therapy. She is committed to assisting people in how they navigate the emotional side of money. Aja works to better incorporate how we speak, think, and build products for people that include both the logical and emotional parts of us.
In addition to her practice, Aja has a column “Finance in Focus” with Square and is a consultant to #FinTech companies looking to integrate how we feel and behave with money. She has been quoted in major news outlets such as The New York Times, Bloomberg, CNBC, and NerdWallet. Coined the “feel good financial therapist,” Aja is on a mission to get more people engaged in living their best life while attuning to their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around money.
