“I have a lot of responsibilities, it’s hard to set time aside for myself without feeling guilty or inefficient.”

“I always worry about my girls not having and going without (so,) I neglect myself.”

“…There is no free time available due to the way our hours work.”

“…I honestly just need one extra day off a week.”

Since March of 2020, we’ve heard from over 3,500 parents, mostly Moms (97%) about how they are coping. Consistent with every survey we’ve run since beginning this study, our latest quarterly wave from January through March of 2023, shows that women are struggling to fulfill every role in their lives. And while the majority are doing “as well as usual” or even “better” as parents, they are doing an abysmal job as caregivers to themselves.

Every organization says they’re concerned about rising healthcare costs and burnout. But how can you change cultural norms behind it? It’s true, between the childcare crisis, inflation and state of social justice, people have plenty to worry about. But countless studies confirm what everyone knows. Toxic workplaces and bosses, are a significant source of distress. Healthy culture starts with listening to your people. And eliminating inconsistencies between the stated values and their lived experiences. To retain caregivers, particularly Moms, it’s critical to close those gaps.

Lack of Discretionary Time Inhibits Career Growth for Moms

It may not surprise you to learn 87% of surveyed Moms say they need to dial back their career ambitions to take care of their own physical, emotional, and logistical needs. With 43% of that group indicating that they must dial them back “a lot.”

But leaders should be alarmed. While the cliché that “time is money” is generally accurate, for today’s increasingly stretched, distracted, and dissatisfied Moms, the far more compelling truth is that “time = self-care.” And without intervention, the burnout, anxiety, depression and sleep deprivation that lead to more serious health conditions, will continue to skyrocket.

And for the Vast Majority, the “Self-Care” Bar is Shockingly Low

Showering, sleeping, and eating – the most basic requirements for survival and a modicum of good health – are the most common, and often the only self-care behaviors that they’re able to engage in on a regular basis. And for some, even personal hygiene falls by the wayside.

While actual self-care behavior is distressingly limited, Moms have a much more expansive definition of what it would ideally consist of.

“Me-time” is the Most Desired and Essential Element of Self-Care

So, what gets in the way of self-care? While there are multiple impediments — including lack of money and an inadequate support system — the overwhelmingly cited one is simply not enough time. Which really means, not enough discretionary time. And in a closed-ended question, the lack of time is matched by “I feel guilty taking time for myself when my family needs as much time as I can give them.” With 77% of respondents citing that as a major barrier to self-care.

And not Just More Time, but More Control Over it

That is, the ability to exercise personal agency and self-governance. Unfortunately, the expectations and evaluation criteria embedded in the culture of most companies, is at odds with employee autonomy. And fails to reflect the collaborative, iterative, and asynchronous nature of much modern work.

While many employers have moved towards hybrid work models that allow remote work, many are still relying on mandates that specify the days and locations. But given the inflexibility of school and daycare schedules, even with the option of working from home a day or two a week, Moms have few opportunities to carve out the time and emotional space needed to exercise autonomy. In how they do their work and care for themselves.

Does Your Organization’s Culture Reflect its Values?

In our most recent study, 42% of our respondents say that their employers are doing an adequate job of supporting them as they try to care for themselves and their families. With 27% saying their employers are doing well and 32% saying they are doing badly.

Values don’t mean much unless they’re modeled. More than half (51%) feel anxiety and/or guilt about taking time off or being unavailable during the workday. Whether to care for their families or themselves. And only 4% of respondents agree with the statement that “I don’t see any need to change my workplace culture.”

Give Meaningful Flexibility

“Gives me flexibility to take some extra time off in school holidays. Can leave early one day for child activity.”

“Not micromanaging, allowing for extra weekend work to give flexibility at other times.”

“They don’t make me feel guilty about taking care of myself. I’m pregnant and they didn’t give me crap about me getting sick all of a sudden at work. They even offered to give me extra time off to recover.”

Employers can contribute to the happiness and health of working parents by demonstrating interest and concern. Not guilt-tripping them when they put their kids ahead of their jobs. And by granting them as much autonomy as possible in determining when and how to do their jobs.

Revisit What it Means to ‘Perform’

Your teams will remain stuck on that treadmill as long as their performance is evaluated, directly or indirectly, in terms of hours spent. Which also fails to account for the productive thought and reflection that often occurs away from the keyboard — rather than results produced. Rather than relying on hours worked as the primary metric, measure output and results. Including: changes in performance expectations and evaluation criteria.

And How to Show Appreciation

Workers’ worry and guilt about engaging in self-care is reinforced by how most workplaces reward (raises, promotions, accolades) and/or punish (absence of praise, reduced responsibilities, poor reviews.)

Consider Better Benefits

Our participants most often cite raises, childcare subsidies, and time off as the benefits that would most help them achieve greater work/life happiness and well-being. But they also frequently mention changes that require more cultural change than financial expenditures

Experiment With a Four-Day Work Week

For some companies and workers, a 100-80-100 model may work best. For others, simply cutting back to having employees work 80% of their current hours for 80% of their current pay, with the expectation that they’ll deliver 80% of their current output may prove more attractive. Although it doesn’t fit every industry or role, the positive impact on productivity and happiness are incredibly compelling.

Tweak Work Culture for Greater Creativity and Productivity

Put a cap on required meetings. And carve out meeting-free and/or email-free days for employees to reflect, generate, and produce, free of distraction. Revisit standard reporting requirements to see if and how they can be pared back

Drop the Surveillance

Anxious, intimidated employees are not healthy, productive ones, regardless of where they work. If workers aren’t producing in sufficient quantity or with adequate quality, that will become evident soon enough. Even without capturing screen time and keystrokes.

Actively Model Self-Care as Part of Daily Life

Including during work hours. Encourage managers and executives to tell employees when they are going offline in order to take a walk, spend a morning with their partner while the kids are at school, or just plain think.

This is an excerpt from our most recent Allies@Work report for Employers. To receive all of the reports and join our quarterly peer discussions, learn more about becoming a client.

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