The trappings of Mother’s Day can feel performative because the ‘day’ has as much to do with motherhood as a wedding does with marriage. Mothering exists in the hourly rhythm of our lives. It’s in the commitments we choose and walk away from. And it’s navigating the fatigue and bliss while investing in the promise of growth. It’s seeing our children’s potential and helping them steer past obstacles. Even when it’s not visible, it is hopeful and active.
I was raised to respect and accept directives from my parents, especially my mother. It’s part of the Caribbean-parent-playbook. Although she did not try to make me comfortable with her decisions, I was encouraged to own my spark and protect my point of view. I realize how blessed I am to have an amazing mother. The values she raised me with, have helped me manage chaos, mistakes and surprises with greater clarity and confidence.
I think a lot about how to raise my children for what life is really like, without the same cultural scaffolding I grew up with. I want them to enter the future, grounded and clear-eyed yet optimistic and joyful. Many of us have had to lower our standards just to survive the past several years but too much self-sacrifice, for too long, can alter who you are. So, let’s be more selective with our compromises.
Ever since I heard Natanja Craig Oquendo speak about how motherhood has “raised her standards” I’ve been thinking about what that really means. Because it’s not only how we live but what we tolerate. We often demand more from ourselves, and give more to our families, communities and causes at the same time. We become the center of gravity in our homes while our compassion elevates our communities.
Keep believing what you’re doing is important because it is. Even when it’s hard, there’s nothing more critical than the roles we play as parents. But remain vigilant about the standards you keep when it comes to your health, well-being, fulfillment, and dignity. Because it’s a challenging time for families and mothers. Especially when it comes to self-care, which can feel like a distant land we visit before kids.
Mothers are still held up, albeit lovingly, for our martyrdom. The terms “tired mom” and “busy mom” don’t raise any alarms because they’re common and true. It’s normalized to pull away from our own desires in service to the greater good. But the fuel you need to elevate your family and unveil your purpose, comes in concert with caring for yourself. So please don’t let the pomp and circumstance of Mother’s Day lead you to believe recognition, support, or celebration of your gifts, should be annual.
Just like mothering is not an event, the magic is in honoring your motherhood every day. Not to displace who you were before but to enrich this more powerful version of yourself. As I’ve shared in the past what mothers really want has been consistent throughout our research studies. It’s not gifts, flowers, or cards although we appreciate those things, we want more choice over our own time and equitable paths to stability. We’d like more time alone, to think. We also want more time for exercise, sleep, rest, creativity, friends, learning, and emotional fulfillment.
When your physical, mental and emotional foundation is strong, you can soar. It enables your full contributions as a mom, partner, daughter, sister, friend and colleague, without risk of depletion. Your wellbeing is your foundation. Yes, there are trade-offs and the process is iterative but it’s what you deserve. So, raise your self-care standard consistently and without apology.
For all who celebrate, wishing you the happiest this Mother’s Day and every day!
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📚 Buy the new book, Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Enjoy the gift of more time for wellbeing and growth. Plus delightful self-care packages for Moms, delivered to your door.
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