“I thought I was managing ‘everything’ and then I got shingles. It was before I turned 40, and as you know, shingles is not common for people under age 50. So, that was a wakeup call, something in the mix was not working for me. And my body had been trying to tell me, but I wasn’t listening so, it got louder and louder.” said Abby Davisson, Author, Entrepreneur and Social Impact Leader.
How we show up in our careers, families, and friendships, is often an expression of our values and priorities. But when your child’s pediatrician calls at the same time as your mother’s doctor, or you’re triple-booked for your commute, each role can feel impossible to honor. But that usually doesn’t stop us from trying. And over time, invisible sacrifices from too many demands, drain us.
Sometimes, Our Bodies Warn Us
Abby said, “At the time I was doing yoga and practicing mindfulness, and thought I was managing. But clearly there were some things that weren’t getting managed. And it was not something I could just yoga-away. So, that shingles-wakeup-call, prompted me to seek professional help.”
Sadly, we’re already at greater risk for most stress-related illnesses, as women and caregivers. Although the specific triggers for shingles are unknown, its activation has been linked to stress.
It’s Not Possible to ‘Do it All’
Environment matters. And leadership in traditional careers is rarely female or family friendly. So, to grow we make tradeoffs between our physical and financial health. Abby explained, we?re conditioned to ‘separate’ these decisions about work, money, and caregiving. “We’re taught never think about financial decisions with our emotions. And not to let monetary concerns influence our relationships.” But they’re deeply connected. So, when consequences from our choices collide, it can feel sudden and jarring.
We Need Space for Our Mental Health
Many years before her shingles diagnosis, Abby’s Mother was in a serious accident that left her in a wheelchair. It forever changed Abby’s family, yet at the time, she didn’t feel like she could pause to fully process that experience.
She said, “I found a good therapist who helped me realize I was still carrying that grief from years before. Because after the accident, I rolled right into having a kid, starting a new job, having another kid, and climbing the corporate ladder at work.”
To Heal from Emotional Wounds
Abby found herself in the difficult position of making unexpected decisions based on her Mother’s condition. “We had conversations I didn’t think I would have to face for many years. And I hadn’t grieved losing the Mom that I knew. She was still there, but very different, because her health was declining. And it happened right before I became a Mother for the first time. So, I’m a strong believer that everything is connected. And that if you’re not listening, your body will find a way to speak louder until you pay attention.”
Although We Can?t Predict Life’s Plot Twists
Although many of us expect active involvement in our parents’ care, what they need and when they need it, is not predictable. And navigating serious health conditions is not only agonizing but expensive and complicated. Abby said, “If we’re lucky to live a long life, it’s very likely that we will need some assistance for our aging relatives and potentially for ourselves. And our society has a non-existent safety net when it comes to care, particularly care for older adults.”
We Can Pre-Empt Some of the Complexity
When Abby had to make decisions for her Mother’s care, she was able to apply what she learned from a course she took in graduate school about Work and Family.” A class which led her to seek out her former professor Myra Strober. And later co-author a book about the lessons to make better decisions when the stakes are really high.
Including planning ahead, with aging loved ones. She said, “Nobody likes to think about these topics. We don’t want to think, we could lose someone important to us or that one day we might not be able to care for ourselves.”
Long-Term Planning Can Feel Scary
Whether it?s a financial or caregiving need, it’s difficult to scenario plan in the moment. Abby explained, “It’s better when you can talk with the people who are important to you about their wishes, before they’re no longer able to care for themselves. Having all of the information, and making sure that legal documents are in place like a trust and durable power of attorney, makes things a lot smoother if they go sideways. Which they will for so many of us.”
But Thoughtful Planning Can Reduce Stress
For some people, making any decision, like which job, city, or childcare option to take, is stressful. And weighing even the happiest of decisions can still lead to decision fatigue. So, finding guidelines that work for your values, neurological style, and goals, can reduce angst.
Abby said, “What was so powerful for me, was having enough information to have my eyes wide open. I took notes about eldercare, back when I took the class, but my parents were in their 60’s and healthy at the time. So, I didn’t think about it. And frankly, when my Mom had her accident, I got out those class notes to get some help. If your parents are retirement age, have a couple of conversations about it. Because it’s a lot easier not to have those conversations in a hospital emergency room if you don’t have to.”
We’re all navigating big and small decisions that impact our financial and emotional wellbeing. Not to mention, family stability, and happiness all of the time. Although we can’t know in advance what we’ll need to react to, we can follow frameworks that increase our confidence and comfort with the concessions.
Many thanks to the talented Abby Davisson!
Check out Abby’s amazing book Money & Love:An Intelligent Roadmap for Life’s Biggest Decisions, And follow her great adventure on her website, LinkedIn, Instagram and Twitter.
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About Abby:
Abby Davisson is an Author, Fortune 200 leader-turned-entrepreneur, and holistic decision-making expert. She?s dedicated her career to helping others achieve their goals.
With Stanford professor emerita and labor economist Myra Strober, Abby wrote Money & Love:An Intelligent Roadmap for Life’s Biggest Decisions,a research-backed guide to making the choices that matter most. The book contains data, stories, and a flexible framework to help people navigate high-stakes choices when money and love are involved (hint: that’s all the big ones in life).
Abby spent nearly a decade driving social impact at global retailer Gap Inc., most recently as President of the Gap Foundation and a senior leader on the Environmental, Social, & Governance (ESG)?team. She also co-founded the company’s employee resource group for parents, which has been featured as a best practice for how employers can support dual-career couples.
Her expertise in career development comes from serving as an alumni career advisor and coach at Stanford?s Graduate School of Business as well as from forging her own non-traditional career path (across the public, private, and non-profit sectors). Her professional experience also includes strategy roles at Net Impact, Tipping Point Community, the NYC Department of Education, and The Bridgespan Group.
Abby has a BA from Yale and an MBA and MA in Education from Stanford University. She lives with her husband Ross and two sons in San Francisco, where she remains in relentless pursuit of the best-tasting dark chocolate.
