We power through exhaustion, uneven nutrition, and choppy connections with other adults. When we workout, they?re usually as fast and efficient as possible. Moms are multi-tasking, time-bending genies and you probably live a whole life by 9 am each day. But self-sacrifice can become a lifestyle. And time poverty creates a spiral of self-neglect. One where habits for our mental, physical, and emotional health, are abandoned.
Childcare, housework and the mental load to choreograph it all, are often shared in same-sex couples. But Moms partnered with Dads, overwhelmingly own this work. And if you?re always on point for the school emails or medical appointments, your free time is fleeting and unpredictable. Who wants to be ?on? every moment they?re awake?
Everybody wants more control over their time?and studies show autonomy is a source of happiness. But even though burnout, anxiety, and depression disproportionately affect women, and the rates are even higher for Moms and caregivers, we have very little self-care time. So, as we enter this season of giving, how do we stop skimping on self-care, and lavish attention on ourselves?
Scarcity Can Lead to, Spoiler Alert, More Scarcity
The concept of time famine isn?t new or exclusive to Moms. But whether it?s from lack of support, childcare, social or socioeconomic power, awareness about how little room for error there is in our schedules, can spiral to scarcity thinking. Which as described by Dr. Lauren Alexander of the Cleveland Clinic, can become a ?self-fulfilling prophecy" But perhaps more importantly, it?s not good for our mental health. She explains, ?A scarcity mindset does a great job of sucking the joy out of people?s lives. Because everything starts to revolve around this thing that they don?t have"
And Consume Extra Mental Bandwidth
If you?re on point to track and plan birthdays, find the doctors and meet camp deadlines, it?s depleting. But the impossible race against time also highlights how little we have to work with. And scarcity thinking, although a natural byproduct of being overwhelmed, also drains mental energy. And we can use that clarity for other things. Like creative pursuits, raising our kids, or growing in our careers. So, how do we carve out more space to breathe despite the time-poverty loop?
Give Yourself More Buffer Time
When the little rectangles on your calendar, look like cars during rush-hour, it?s time for an intervention. Look at your schedule for next week. Do you have enough space between commitments? For example, does everything have to go perfectly, for you to arrive on time for pick-ups, meetings, travel, or dinners?
Look at your virtual commitments too. Are you on Zoom so often that you don?t have time to eat or pee? You may be in a temporary busy season. But if it?s all day, every day, and not because you?re launching a book, business or have a newborn, revisit your approach. Because you can probably change something to give yourself more room. Ideally, put 30 minutes in-between commitments or longer if you?re commuting to them.
Rethink Your Personal Boundaries
Is there a new boundary you can set? Like saying no to someone or something you previously said yes to. For example, you might not be getting enough sleep and need to limit events at night to once or twice a month. It?s okay to say ?I had hoped to join you for XYZ commitment, but I?m really overscheduled. Can we reconnect after the holidays" Can you opt out of a meeting, ask your boss to push back a deadline by a few months or upskill a colleague to take over an assignment? Think about when you took parental leave and HAD to move things off your calendar.
Show Up for Yourself Emotionally
Accommodating or meeting unrealistic expectations at the expense of your own comfort or joy, becomes its own form of torment. Emotional labor is real. So, speak your mind with your friends, family, and partner when you disagree. And if you have the psychological safety to do so, set boundaries at work. Or be that dissenting voice when you don?t agree with the plan. Ask for help, including more resources, time, flexibility, mentorship, understanding or benefits.
Yes, Physically Too
It’s not just anxiety and depression, women are at greater risk for most stress-related illnesses. In part, because of biology and how we?re conditioned to be so pleasing. Also, healthcare inequities and the toll from doing most of society?s unpaid work. So, put your health at the top of the to-do list on a consistent basis and start small.
Move and sleep more. Start with the intention to build an extra 10 or 15 minutes into your day for a walk, run or kitchen dance party. A ten-minute walk around your block, or building is better than not moving at all. Same for bedtime, go to sleep 10 minutes earlier and evolve to an extra 30 minutes over time. And learn to bring other essential health habits like pauses, mindfulness, gratitude, creativity or nourishing meals, into daily life.
Reward Yourself and Buy Back Time
So, the opposite of self-sacrifice is to give yourself more. Treat yourself better in all the ways. It can be something you buy, whether that?s better eyeglasses, a nice plant or a writing class. If it is affordable, don?t gift others and delay purchases that matter to you. Studies have also shown, spending money, within your budget, to save time makes people happier. Think, paying for that cleaner or organizer to declutter your space. A meal subscription or buying, versus making a dessert, for that family gathering. If you can save hours of time and energy, it can have a huge impact.
And Invest in Your Growth
Organizations allocate learning and development budgets. And we can invest, whether it?s time, money, or both, in our personal and professional fulfillment. So, if you?ve wanted more or different exercise, consider a personal trainer, gym, or yoga membership. Most of us are navigating some level of burnout. But if it?s deeper than that, whether it?s regular therapy or another form of mental health support, pursue it.
If your career feels stagnant or miserable, talk to an executive or career coach or go to your nearest library for a great book about career change. Or find a local meetup to explore options with others in your community. Whatever ?it? is for you, if it?s not going to hurt your finances and brings you relief, go for it.
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